What does it all mean?

Pre-employment testing has become one of the fastest-growing tools used to select employees from pools of hopeful applicants and a variety of testing tools are at the disposal of Human Resource managers and hiring managers.  There are some obvious problems with this particular strategy that jump to mind right away, such as "test faking".  Also, how can these tests account for factors such as gender differences?  If companies cannot control for these variables don't they run the risk of legal action due to discriminatory practices?  A lot of emphasis is placed on the Big Five measures of personality traits (conscientiousness, emotional stability, extroversion, agreeableness,  and openness).  While these are certainly important considerations, they don't account for proactive measures (the degree to which people take action) of an individual's personality, which makes their validity somewhat trivial depending on the position.  With regard to "test faking", few applicants are going to describe themselves as disagreeable, obstinate, self-preserving or self-centered.  The perverse outcome of "test faking" is that the applicants that enhanced (faked) their responses the most are the most likely to be hired.  The best part is that it's all based on some arbitrary test or set of guidelines in the first place!
Here's the question I have:  What is it that employers are really trying to measure?  Clearly, they're not interested in any quantifiable skills or they wouldn't be administering personality tests in the first place.  Here are two personal experiences:
1.  Out of desperation, I took a very time consuming assessment for a position that would require me to obtain a license to become a certified financial planner and I would be paid 100% commission on a draw (and self-employed, of course - no bennies!).  Not a good set of circumstances, I know.  Anyway, of course the integrity of the test was compromised because my mother and boyfriend were offering their assistance.  The three of us are intelligent people with strong analytical skills and, together, we could not pass the personality portion of the assessment because we reasoned it was better to indicate a preference for working with others.  Why would anyone suggest that they have a problem working with people?  Especially when applying for a position that involves constant human interaction?  The company reasoned that I was dependent on others for direction and that it could interfere with my ability to work independently.  The truth?  For the most part, I fucking hate working with other people.  Especially men (this would have been an office with two men), but why would I ever admit that on a test?  Ridiculous.
2.  I've applied for the same low-wage position with the same company for the third time in the last year and a half and, finally, I must be in the running because they e-mailed a personality index assessment for me to complete.  The only reason I'm willing to do this for a $10/hr job is because it is HR related and will provide me with some connections if I'm selected.  There are two parts to this assessment.  In the first section, I am to select from a list of adjectives how I feel I'm expected to act by others.  In the second section, I am to select from the same list of adjectives those that I feel really describe me.  From what I can reason, the only thing this test is going to tell them is if I act in accordance to how I feel people expect me to act.  Of course, I didn't select anything that I felt would shed me in a negative light (I'm not going to tell them that I'm frequently angry, depressed, worried, and cynical), so we're right back to test faking.  They might as well use the same methods as the company responsible for my major disappointment (see Major Disappointment Confirmed).  I mean, what is their formula?  My best guess is that they take the quadratic formula for brownies and divide it by the square root of gummy bears and that's how they decide who they're going to hire.  So, what does it all mean?

Major Disappointment Confirmed

Today I received the rejection email for the job I really, really, really wanted.  I applied for this job just a couple of days ago.  They decided in a hurry they don't want me for that job.  It's Saturday.  Someone must have made a special trip to the office today just for me.  Cue fine china crashing on porcelain tile.  The worst part is that I immediately and obsessively started googling stuff about the company and the people who work in their HR department and what I found sparked an outburst that resulted in damage to private property (my own).  Basically, every recruiter in the company has a background completely unrelated to HR and possesses degrees ranging from mathematics to paralegal studies to psychology to veterinary technician.  Wow.  So these are the people they're relying on to staff their organization.  It makes sense, then, why art majors are getting accounting jobs.  My God.  Apparently a four year degree in finance will award you the title of Senior Recruiter and four direct reports, at least if your name is Doily Mammoth/Fart'n'toot.  And the best part is that Doily Mammoth/Fart'n'toot is a fucking idiot.  More specifically, she capitalizes improper nouns.  For example; "I'm very upset that I wasn't considered for this Job.  If I wasn't so fucking hungover already and if the Liquor Store was still open I'd invest in some Liquid Therapy.  Instead, I'm going to have a Meltdown and start throwing things and put a huge dent in my Closet Door.  Not only do I not have a Job, but now I have a fucked up door that I'll never be able to replace to match the rest of the fucking trim and the other Doors in the room because my stupid fucking House is so dated."  I feel that this is unacceptable.  Wouldn't any company be embarrassed to be represented by people who do not have the capability to communicate beyond an eighth grade level?  What the fuck is the world coming to?  Well I guess it all goes back to the benefits of being functionally stupid.  Maybe I should get a degree in vocal performance and litter my resume with typographical errors and then I'll be able to get a fucking job.  I mean, what the fuck? 

Preparing for a Major Disappointment

Today I applied for a job I really, really, really want, (it's in the HR department) at a company I really, really, really want to work for (mostly because I have no other options, although there are advancement opportunities).  I've been through a few tedious interview processes for other positions I've applied for with this company and managed to convince myself it was a sure thing only to be crushed when I lost the opportunities to the Dullest Bulb in the Tanning Bed and to a baby boomer who's going to retire in two years.  Of course, I don't even know if I'll get an interview but I suspect I will because I peppered my resume and cover letter with words from the job description in order to manipulate their word-matching software.  Alas, information systems trickery can only go so far.  And what happens when I don't receive an offer after several more rounds of gut wrenching and nervous system twisting interviews?  Aside from the quantifiable losses (see Revelations for Today), can my very fragile psyche endure yet another rejection of this magnitude?  I'm afraid it would shatter me like fine china on porcelain tile.  This disappointment would come at an especially bad time considering I recently contacted a previous co-worker turned manager regarding an open position for the exact job I once performed and was told that upper management would tell me to take my kite and fly it.  I think asking for your old job (the one you hated so badly that you kept an empty laundry basket under your desk in case you felt compelled to clear it of your belongings before you stomped out the door in a fit of rage) only to be told to piss off is the step that happens right before you're the next burger flipper of the month at McDonald's because you were also rejected for the job I applied for today in favor of some other moron.  Anyway, I'm going to have to figure out how to deal with one more missed opportunity if I don't get this job.  And this is why I never let my hopes run away with me anymore; the subsequent crash hurts a lot less.   

Revelations for Today

I have to share this with you guys, because Oh...My...God.
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/the-benefits-of-being-stupid-at-work-190339721.html

Now that we all understand the utility value of being functional idiots, we can press on.
It looks like I won't have to worry about commuting for two hours to work every day because I didn't hear back regarding the job I interviewed for last Wednesday within the time-frame they specified.  In other depressing news, my unemployment account is going to run dry next week so I'm going to have to apply for extended benefits (thank you Mr. President). 
Here's something else:  I've kept accurate records of my employment search and I figure it's cost me about $10,000 in lost time.  The hours wasted searching, applying, interviewing.  Not to mention the money wasted on gas to get to interviews, printer paper, bond paper, ink, clasp envelopes, thank you cards, postage, UGH!  Oh, and let's not forget the numerous hours spent studying for an insurance licensing exam and the nearly $1,000 it cost to take the courses, practice tests, pay the licensing fee and then driving to a town two hours away to take the test.  And all for a 100% commission job it essentially cost me money to do.  It should not be this hard.  Being unemployed is fucking expensive.  Anyway, I read somewhere that a person should expect to spend an additional month searching for employment for every additional $10,000 they expect to earn.  By that standard, I should assume the $300,000/yr job offers will pour in at any moment.  Meanwhile, I'm going to continue down the path of maximum resistance as I wait out the winter weather advisory on this late April day. 

My Terrifying Reality Confirmed

Check this out:

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/terrifying-reality-long-term-unemployment-154818305.html

Basically, every horrible trend and every sad prediction I make with regard to employment turns out to be true.  It's hard to be right all the time.  I pretty much always know what's going to happen next, and it's never good.  And don't get me started on all the power of positive thinking bullshit.  I'll start thinking positive when something positive starts happening.  To recap:
"It doesn't matter whether you're young or old, a blue-collar or white-collar worker, or a high school or college grad; all that matters is how long you've been out of work.  After you've been out of work for six months, it doesn't matter what experience you have. Quite literally.  In other words, the first thing employers look at is how long you've been out of work, and that's the only thing they look at if it's been six months or longer."
Fucking Beveridge Curve.  One more thing to keep me awake at night.

A Week in the Life

Since my last post the following things have happened:
*We have endured the worst April winter storm that I can remember.  It's fucking freezing outside, we got more snow than we had all winter, and the wind is blowing 200 miles an hour.  I feel like I'm going to have a fucking heart attack when I think about the prospect of living in this climate for the rest of my life.
*I graciously cancelled the interview at the church that was to take place tomorrow, while audibly cursing the existence of the Dimmest Wit Ever.  
*I applied for a very good job (one that actually requires a master's degree) two hours away that I'll never get.  But, if I do, I'll be forced to coerce my sister into letting me and my two dogs borrow the upper level of her home from Monday - Friday for the foreseeable future. 
*I exposed myself to some pop culture and watched Scarface for the first time.  I have never been able to figure out why drug dealers don't get out while they're on top!
*I turned 29.  It fucking happened.  Predictable as a pineapple in a Mai Tai.  The good news is that I got a free monster cookie ice cream cone at the casino.  Also, my dog that puked in my slipper (see Thankful for Eight Months until Thanksgiving) puked all over the floor of my bedroom, but since it was my birthday I made my long-term boyfriend (LTB) clean it up.  If this puking continues, someone's going to have to go to the vet.  Did you know they now make Birthday Cake Oreos with confetti filling?
*My mother told me to apply for several ridiculous part-time jobs in far away towns.  I don't think driving 45 minutes away on $4/gallon gas to work with developmentally delayed adults for $8.25/hr or to tend to the needs of convicted, hepatitis C infected felons is the solution to anyone's problems.  Once again, I was forced to launch an explanation of the objectives of my job search in some detail.
*I was invited to interview for a job that's actually HR related this Wednesday.  Unfortunately, it's an hour drive each way so it will have to pay well enough to make the commute affordable and bearable.  The position requires a high school diploma so I'm not going to hold my breath, but I will let you know how it goes. 
*One of my group members for a class I'm taking this semester has failed to complete her portion of the final project as she had a "doozy of a week" and was "sick all weekend".  I cannot begin my portion until she finishes hers.  I think I'm just going to do it all myself since I'd have to redo what she did anyway because she cannot think critically, logically, or strategically, and she cannot articulate a thought or form a complete sentence.  Stupid bitch.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have papers to work on and Oreos to eat.

My Daily Epitome

I'm back.  Sorry, took me a while to recover from the Barbie attack last week and I've had a lot of homework.  I'm sure I was missed.
My high school English teacher was recently recognized for her contribution to the school system and surrounding community.  She once called my entire class the epitome of stupidity.  I had a pretty good idea what she meant at the time but, for your benefit, the definition of epitome is a typical or ideal example.  Even though she thought we were the ideal example of stupidity, she wasn't a bad teacher..  I imagine teaching 9th grade English she was, in fact, confronted by the epitome of stupidity on a fairly regular basis.
Anyway, I was invited to interview for the position I applied for at the church I referenced in my Lord Have Mercy post.  I had a really bad feeling.  The same really bad feeling I've had in the past when I've gotten an interview and then an offer and then things went terribly wrong.  Not only are two of the four members of the "executive committee" I'd have to interview with employees at a company where I once worked, one of them is tight with a manager who metaphorically bent me over and fucked me in the ass.  Repeatedly.  The other bad news is that the congregation is full of members who work all over the land of no opportunity so if it didn't work out for any reason it would further stunt my already virtually non-existent opportunities.  So, I diligently combed the church's website, searching for names with which I would ultimately form the dreaded trail.  While they don't offer a membership directory online, I needn't dig that far to determine that getting hired would likely lead to some very uncomfortable situations.  It was right there in their monthly news letter.  The name of the daughter of the Dimmest Wit Ever.  Crap.  Long story short, DWE is a stupid cunt who has caused a lot of problems for me for reasons that make absolutely no sense and all over a job that paid less than minimum wage, involved tips and serving food and beverages to people equally as dim as she is.  So, I can pretty much forget the whole thing.  I'm going to have to tell the church another opportunity came up and cancel the interview.  Oh well.  I would have left the second something better came along (ha! like that would ever happen).  Regardless of the threat posed by the DWE, it could have ended badly for numerous other reasons.  The silver lining is that I played offense and prevented yet another catastrophe from hammering one more nail in my can't-get-a-job coffin, which is exactly what would have happened.  I know this because of the above-mentioned really bad feeling.  So, this is the epitome of what I'm confronted with on a daily basis.  Applying for jobs I don't have a prayer of getting because I don't know the right people who have the right connections in the land of no opportunity and then manically deciphering the trail that will ultimately lead to my demise should I, by some act of God, actually get an interview and get hired.  Lord hear our prayer.

Can Barbie Ever Win?

Today I would like to veer off topic and focus on something that is completely unrelated to unemployment.  Barbie.  Check out this link:
http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/meet-the-new-natural-barbie-173422198.html
What is with people?  They complain that Barbie is too this and too that and whateverthefuck else.  I have news for all you haters:  BARBIE IS A DOLL!!!  A fucking plastic toy.  So back off.  Now, they make her "normal" with braces and acne and no makeup and people call her crack Barbie and they tell Ken to run screaming for the hills.  Make up your minds!  I know how she feels.  I've always felt unfairly judged for reasons I won't even pretend to understand.  Personally, I loved my Barbie dolls growing up and it's a sad walk down the toy isle at the store today because I barely recognize my childhood friend.  So what if her proportions were more ridiculous than Giselle's and so what if she represents everything that's unattainable?  Isn't that the point?  I'm never going to be a mythical pony or a Care Bear either, but that didn't stop me from playing with those things as a kid nor did it contribute to any sort of mental problems on account of not being able to grow a horn out of my forehead or project a rainbow from my chest.  If you want to blame her for your daughter's eating disorder and the fact that she's a certifiable fruit basket, that's your problem.  No one's forcing you to buy the damn doll and nothing's going to change the fact that she exists so get the fuck over it and get a life.  The only suggestion I'm going to throw out there to the good folks at Mattel is that they come up with some sort of unemployment Barbie.  I'd love to hang with my fellow unemployed homegirl.

Thankful for Eight Months until Thanksgiving

Getting together with family for holidays has always been awkward for me.  It's like sitting in a room full of strangers.  For whatever reason, these strangers have the comprehension skills of a gold fish and they seem to take pleasure in the fact that things are not going well for me, especially since I was stupid enough to go to college thinking it would take me somewhere and they were smart enough to obtain full-time employment with a high school diploma.  My cousin is doing an internship for an agency that's affiliated with the one that terminated my employment, so I'm sure now everyone knows because no one said anything to me.  Through the struggle of the past couple of years I've come to dread the inevitable 'so...where are you working now?' and/or 'how's your job going?' questions because I'm always working somewhere different (if I'm working at all) and it's never going well.  It appears to have become a joke of some sort to them, punctuated by the fact that I'm still in school and living in a house I want to burn down.  I don't know what they don't understand about the fact that when you own a house that's not in a condition to be sold in an awful housing market and no job to provide an income to fix it, moving probably isn't a viable option which is unfortunate because if I could move I could probably find a decent job.  If they had the ability to reason then maybe they'd understand that the Biggest L pretty much bent me over and fucked me in the ass on his way out the door.  Unfortunately, we're talking about people who cannot perform simple arithmetic or even understand the concept of Monopoly.  I'm glad they're amused.  One day I hope to be able to report that something is going well for me, but until then, happy fucking Easter. 
For your enjoyment:  This morning my dog wouldn't shit when I took him outside even though he clearly had a prairie dog situation happening and I even walked him around the entire yard (and it's a big ass yard).  After it was clear that he was refusing to let it go, we came back inside where I discovered that he had just puked in my slipper.