WTF Google? Somewhere in here you missed a post. It was a long one. A lot has happened to Labor Statistic since Week 1 and I know I blogged about it. Why didn't you publish? Here's what you failed to share between then and now:
I attended the seminar I mentioned in my last post (the one that actually got published) and guess what? I won a plant. The person who never wins anything gets her name announced to a room full of people who either a) know about her spotty employment history, or, b) have interviewed her and followed up with the requisite fuck-you letter, or, c) both a and b.
I met some very nice gentlemen from the United States Department of Homeland Security and they promptly escorted two of my employees out of the building.
A subpoena that was addressed to the previous HR Manager was delivered requesting documentation about a matter to which I cannot comment and my manager called the very office from which I was let go after 90 days for "formatting issues" and informed them that I am the new HR Generalist and she's the manager and she gave them our contact information. I've never been so close to having a heart attack. Obviously my objective needs to be to minimize contact between this office and my boss.
A bunch of other stuff probably happened, too, and now I can't remember.
I feel compelled to mention that I bought a chair last night and plastic wrap was included in some of the packing material. There was a warning on the sheet with the directions that indicated the plastic wrap should not be used as a head cover because it can cause suffocation. Sad. Thank God I now know this about plastic wrap so I don't try to cover my head with it.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Saturday, September 7, 2013
New Job - Week 1
Just thought I'd fill in those of you who haven't abandoned me (anyone? anyone?) about my first week of work at my new job. The following things occured:
1. They gave me all kinds of new stuff! I got a cell phone, laptop, and a bunch of keys. I have no idea what to do with all these keys.
2. I discovered I am listed on their organizational chart. Yikes!
3. I may need to practice some politics. I work for company XYZ and my boss works for company ABC, with which we're affiliated because they own a percentage share.
4. I'm amazed, once again, at how long some people can hold their bladders.
5. I got an extensive, and not very pretty, look at what happens from the time an animal comes in to the time it leaves. It's not in the same condition when it leaves.
6. I learned that severe safety violations result in lost appendages and lost jobs.
7. As an extension of # 6, I learned I could never, ever, be a medical professional.
8. As an extension of # 7, I learned the value of sanitizing wipes.
9. Next week I will have to attend a seminar at a place I once worked which I know will be attended by their HR Director. Again, I'm going to have to do some acting and pretend like I don't know who she is and I hope she does the same. The problem is that I don't want all these mother-fuckers to know where I work. I'm sick of thinking about the trail all the fucking time. So much anxiety.
10. Ack!!! I've realized I have no experience doing this and I'm not sure I'm ready for it!
Anyway, all in all things are going well.
1. They gave me all kinds of new stuff! I got a cell phone, laptop, and a bunch of keys. I have no idea what to do with all these keys.
2. I discovered I am listed on their organizational chart. Yikes!
3. I may need to practice some politics. I work for company XYZ and my boss works for company ABC, with which we're affiliated because they own a percentage share.
4. I'm amazed, once again, at how long some people can hold their bladders.
5. I got an extensive, and not very pretty, look at what happens from the time an animal comes in to the time it leaves. It's not in the same condition when it leaves.
6. I learned that severe safety violations result in lost appendages and lost jobs.
7. As an extension of # 6, I learned I could never, ever, be a medical professional.
8. As an extension of # 7, I learned the value of sanitizing wipes.
9. Next week I will have to attend a seminar at a place I once worked which I know will be attended by their HR Director. Again, I'm going to have to do some acting and pretend like I don't know who she is and I hope she does the same. The problem is that I don't want all these mother-fuckers to know where I work. I'm sick of thinking about the trail all the fucking time. So much anxiety.
10. Ack!!! I've realized I have no experience doing this and I'm not sure I'm ready for it!
Anyway, all in all things are going well.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Fish Face
I start my new job in two days and I'm looking forward to the future, but today I'm going to discuss the past because I think it bears repeating (often) that people fucking suck. Working with other people is very difficult for a variety of reasons and if anyone says differently it probably means that they're the annoying, bible thumping, grammatically incorrect fuck everybody in the office hates but, of course, they're impervious due to their complete lack of self awareness. What really blows my mind, though, is that the most severely incompetent people seem to skate by like a Catholic priest who is...you know where I'm going with this.
So, I would like to take this one step further and express my shock that there are actually people out there who resist attempts at training them to do their jobs. Whaaaa??? Oh, yes. These people exist. For example, at the job I left to accept the one I'm starting in two days I worked with a very strange and abrasive (yes, if I am describing someone else as abrasive it must be really bad) woman I'll call Fish Face. I'd compare her to a bull dog, but I think bull dogs are adorable and so I cannot make that comparison here. However, I encourage you to picture jowls, deep set wrinkles, and very prominent peach fuzz on a freckled redhead who appears to be 60 years old but is, in fact, only 43. She smokes a lot and smells like burnt, wet plants. I suspect it's weed, but maybe she just fucking stinks. Knowing the Director, she came in with a big bad attitude and seemed to think she already knew how to do everything. She strongly resisted our training efforts, thought office rules did not apply to her, and had a problem with EVERY SINGLE THING. The training manuals were terrible (they're wonderful), the filing system is not adequate (it's fine), and this and that and the other thing are all cluster fucks (this and that and the other thing are just peachy). I suspect this was all an attempt on her part to take the focus off the fact that she is not capable of critical thinking and simply doesn't understand a fucking thing about anything. Further, she was always acting like she had to do this or that or finish "the report" or pull "the report". What report? What bothered me more than anything is that she would rather do something wrong than just ask. It's so easy to ask! And guess who had to un-fuck everything she screwed up? Yep, the Labor Statistic. Like when she single-handedly destroyed our website and then tried to blame it on me. Um, no Fish Face. I was filing and not at my computer and certainly not logged into the website. Here's a tip, when you're editing a page on a website, never EVER hit the Trash button. Thankfully our host was able to retrieve an earlier version, but the whole incident took a few years off my life. THEN - she'd act like the office is such a cluster fuck. Um...ok? Also, her family called (despite the no cell phone policy) and stopped in numerous times every day for the dumbest shit and then she'd act like she was in prison and couldn't step away from doing nothing for even a minute. I can tell you this; I've had a lot of bad jobs and this wasn't one of them. Fish Face was so negative that it actually started pissing me off. Yes, ME! That takes something pretty special. Plus, she doesn't like dogs! Who doesn't like dogs? I don't think you can even trust a person who doesn't like dogs. Anyway, what I've described here is just the tip of the iceberg with this crazy bitch and, thankfully, it's over now. But I'm sure now that I'm gone she's trying to blame me for all kinds of stupid shit that has no merit and nothing to do with anything except that it somehow hinders her from doing her job and only God knows what that is exactly. To the Director who is the best boss I ever had: Good luck.
Sorry for my long rant today, but I just had to share. I've started school again so I know I will be busy in the coming months. My posts may be sporadic, but I have no intention of abandoning my blog. Here's some reading material for fun:
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/10-things-co-workers-won-132014242.html?page=1
So, I would like to take this one step further and express my shock that there are actually people out there who resist attempts at training them to do their jobs. Whaaaa??? Oh, yes. These people exist. For example, at the job I left to accept the one I'm starting in two days I worked with a very strange and abrasive (yes, if I am describing someone else as abrasive it must be really bad) woman I'll call Fish Face. I'd compare her to a bull dog, but I think bull dogs are adorable and so I cannot make that comparison here. However, I encourage you to picture jowls, deep set wrinkles, and very prominent peach fuzz on a freckled redhead who appears to be 60 years old but is, in fact, only 43. She smokes a lot and smells like burnt, wet plants. I suspect it's weed, but maybe she just fucking stinks. Knowing the Director, she came in with a big bad attitude and seemed to think she already knew how to do everything. She strongly resisted our training efforts, thought office rules did not apply to her, and had a problem with EVERY SINGLE THING. The training manuals were terrible (they're wonderful), the filing system is not adequate (it's fine), and this and that and the other thing are all cluster fucks (this and that and the other thing are just peachy). I suspect this was all an attempt on her part to take the focus off the fact that she is not capable of critical thinking and simply doesn't understand a fucking thing about anything. Further, she was always acting like she had to do this or that or finish "the report" or pull "the report". What report? What bothered me more than anything is that she would rather do something wrong than just ask. It's so easy to ask! And guess who had to un-fuck everything she screwed up? Yep, the Labor Statistic. Like when she single-handedly destroyed our website and then tried to blame it on me. Um, no Fish Face. I was filing and not at my computer and certainly not logged into the website. Here's a tip, when you're editing a page on a website, never EVER hit the Trash button. Thankfully our host was able to retrieve an earlier version, but the whole incident took a few years off my life. THEN - she'd act like the office is such a cluster fuck. Um...ok? Also, her family called (despite the no cell phone policy) and stopped in numerous times every day for the dumbest shit and then she'd act like she was in prison and couldn't step away from doing nothing for even a minute. I can tell you this; I've had a lot of bad jobs and this wasn't one of them. Fish Face was so negative that it actually started pissing me off. Yes, ME! That takes something pretty special. Plus, she doesn't like dogs! Who doesn't like dogs? I don't think you can even trust a person who doesn't like dogs. Anyway, what I've described here is just the tip of the iceberg with this crazy bitch and, thankfully, it's over now. But I'm sure now that I'm gone she's trying to blame me for all kinds of stupid shit that has no merit and nothing to do with anything except that it somehow hinders her from doing her job and only God knows what that is exactly. To the Director who is the best boss I ever had: Good luck.
Sorry for my long rant today, but I just had to share. I've started school again so I know I will be busy in the coming months. My posts may be sporadic, but I have no intention of abandoning my blog. Here's some reading material for fun:
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/10-things-co-workers-won-132014242.html?page=1
Monday, August 12, 2013
Status: In Like Flynn!!!
The shoe dropped - and it dropped right smack on top of me!
I can't express the relief I feel right now, mostly because I'm on my third celebratory glass of wine!
I promise I will have plenty of negative and angry future posts, but I can't think of one harsh or sarcastic thing to say at the moment so I will just sign off with a prayer that everyone who is in the situation I was in is able to get through it with their sanity and self-worth in tact.
Here's a "word-of-the-day": Fortitude. I like it. It was used to describe Leah Remini and her separation from the church of Scientology. That's some pretty weird shit and I sure don't think I'll ever have to worry about being in that situation, but there's something very poetic about that word and now I'm thinking about getting another tattoo and I just know I've had too much to drink and I have to cut myself off for the night...thankfully the wine is gone.
I can't express the relief I feel right now, mostly because I'm on my third celebratory glass of wine!
I promise I will have plenty of negative and angry future posts, but I can't think of one harsh or sarcastic thing to say at the moment so I will just sign off with a prayer that everyone who is in the situation I was in is able to get through it with their sanity and self-worth in tact.
Here's a "word-of-the-day": Fortitude. I like it. It was used to describe Leah Remini and her separation from the church of Scientology. That's some pretty weird shit and I sure don't think I'll ever have to worry about being in that situation, but there's something very poetic about that word and now I'm thinking about getting another tattoo and I just know I've had too much to drink and I have to cut myself off for the night...thankfully the wine is gone.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Status: Shoe Dangling
Here's what happened:
I had a second interview with the HR Manager (really, a third if you count the phone screening). It went very well.
Yesterday, I met with the GM and that also went very well. I left feeling as though it was just a formality and I already had the job (I will find out for certain on Monday). I then proceeded to my local watering hole in search of some insider info, which left me feeling less sure about my original assumptions. It turns out, at least two other people also met with the GM - and there are probably more! Goodness! That's not good news. Maybe they, too, all left feeling like they're in like Flynn. My source did tell me everything I told her was positive - all good signs.
Everything has worked in my favor here (for once) and I don't think the circumstances could be better (for once) so if I don't get this job I've pretty much deduced that I'll never get any job. The silver lining here is that it's not a devastating loss. I still have a job and my boss tells me I'm like her right arm - not a third arm, but a right arm! It's nice to finally hear nothing but positive feedback, although I will be putting her in a tremendous bind by leaving, if that's what ends up happening.
Anyway, the shoe is dangling, but has not yet dropped. It will drop on Monday. I just hope it drops on me and not someone else.
I had a second interview with the HR Manager (really, a third if you count the phone screening). It went very well.
Yesterday, I met with the GM and that also went very well. I left feeling as though it was just a formality and I already had the job (I will find out for certain on Monday). I then proceeded to my local watering hole in search of some insider info, which left me feeling less sure about my original assumptions. It turns out, at least two other people also met with the GM - and there are probably more! Goodness! That's not good news. Maybe they, too, all left feeling like they're in like Flynn. My source did tell me everything I told her was positive - all good signs.
Everything has worked in my favor here (for once) and I don't think the circumstances could be better (for once) so if I don't get this job I've pretty much deduced that I'll never get any job. The silver lining here is that it's not a devastating loss. I still have a job and my boss tells me I'm like her right arm - not a third arm, but a right arm! It's nice to finally hear nothing but positive feedback, although I will be putting her in a tremendous bind by leaving, if that's what ends up happening.
Anyway, the shoe is dangling, but has not yet dropped. It will drop on Monday. I just hope it drops on me and not someone else.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
The Third Leg
Ok...those of you who have not already abandoned me have my profuse apologies. More people have died. Life has gotten in the way.
While I do have more horrific Barbie updates to share with you, I must fill you in on what's been going on with my job situation, which is the whole reason I started this blog. (Sometimes I get side tracked, and I'm sorry. I love to share my opinions and random thoughts as much as Miley Cirus loves to twerk).
After I started my most recent job this May (see previous posts) I applied for a Human Resources Generalist job at a company that previously offered my a three month internship doing job descriptions, which I declined because the thought of being knee deep in bird guts for $11/hr without the promise of permanent employment wasn't very appealing. And I'd received another job offer that turned out to be the disaster of the year. Anyway...my current job is going very well. Very, very well. I don't love it, but I don't hate it either. I don't want to do it for the rest of my life, but it's fine for now. I interviewed for the HR Generalist job and I received a call tonight from the HR Manager requesting that we meet tomorrow when I'm done with work to "talk about the job". I'm not sure what that means, but I think I might have a hard choice to make. Not that I'm complaining about that, mind you. After all I've been through, I should be grateful to have options. It's just that nothing good can happen for me unless it's at the expense of something else. Something is FINALLY going well for me and I'll have to leave if I'm offered the HR Generalist job. I feel like I've been trying to balance on a two-legged stool for way too long and this job is the third leg. This job is the EXACT title and experience I need under my belt, like, yesterday.
So while my boss (who is so wonderful!) keeps giving me more money (yet still not enough to make a difference) and bringing me cookies and zucchinis and telling me how much she appreciates everything I do, I'm wondering how things could possibly work out for me in such a way that instead of celebrating my official start in two days (I was hired as a temp) I will probably be breaking the news that I'm leaving. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm putting the cart in front of the horse here and I won't have anything to tell her at all. I just feel terrible, though, if I end up leaving her with the only other employee who works there who's just the most horrible, incompetent person ever. (Don't worry - she's worthy of her own blog post and she'll get it)!
I'd grown tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop and when I finally accepted that maybe it never would and I'd never fulfill my full potential, I now feel like I may be knocking on the door to new possibilities. An HR Generalist is not an entry level job. It's a mid-level job with a direct path, especially for someone with a master's degree. Finally. This could be the beginning of a career and the end of a life of searching for the next crappy job. Anyway, I'll let you know if the shoe actually does drop tomorrow. For now, I'm going to get back to doing homework and watching Biggie & Tupac: The Story Behind the Murder of Rap's Biggest Superstars. If I have any thoughts about the thug life you'll read about it. :)
While I do have more horrific Barbie updates to share with you, I must fill you in on what's been going on with my job situation, which is the whole reason I started this blog. (Sometimes I get side tracked, and I'm sorry. I love to share my opinions and random thoughts as much as Miley Cirus loves to twerk).
After I started my most recent job this May (see previous posts) I applied for a Human Resources Generalist job at a company that previously offered my a three month internship doing job descriptions, which I declined because the thought of being knee deep in bird guts for $11/hr without the promise of permanent employment wasn't very appealing. And I'd received another job offer that turned out to be the disaster of the year. Anyway...my current job is going very well. Very, very well. I don't love it, but I don't hate it either. I don't want to do it for the rest of my life, but it's fine for now. I interviewed for the HR Generalist job and I received a call tonight from the HR Manager requesting that we meet tomorrow when I'm done with work to "talk about the job". I'm not sure what that means, but I think I might have a hard choice to make. Not that I'm complaining about that, mind you. After all I've been through, I should be grateful to have options. It's just that nothing good can happen for me unless it's at the expense of something else. Something is FINALLY going well for me and I'll have to leave if I'm offered the HR Generalist job. I feel like I've been trying to balance on a two-legged stool for way too long and this job is the third leg. This job is the EXACT title and experience I need under my belt, like, yesterday.
So while my boss (who is so wonderful!) keeps giving me more money (yet still not enough to make a difference) and bringing me cookies and zucchinis and telling me how much she appreciates everything I do, I'm wondering how things could possibly work out for me in such a way that instead of celebrating my official start in two days (I was hired as a temp) I will probably be breaking the news that I'm leaving. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm putting the cart in front of the horse here and I won't have anything to tell her at all. I just feel terrible, though, if I end up leaving her with the only other employee who works there who's just the most horrible, incompetent person ever. (Don't worry - she's worthy of her own blog post and she'll get it)!
I'd grown tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop and when I finally accepted that maybe it never would and I'd never fulfill my full potential, I now feel like I may be knocking on the door to new possibilities. An HR Generalist is not an entry level job. It's a mid-level job with a direct path, especially for someone with a master's degree. Finally. This could be the beginning of a career and the end of a life of searching for the next crappy job. Anyway, I'll let you know if the shoe actually does drop tomorrow. For now, I'm going to get back to doing homework and watching Biggie & Tupac: The Story Behind the Murder of Rap's Biggest Superstars. If I have any thoughts about the thug life you'll read about it. :)
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
No. Barbie Never Can Win.
Ok, what the fuck? To answer my own question, (see post from April 22, Can Barbie Ever Win?) no. Apparently Barbie can never win. Not only has Barbie been exposed to the world in all her natural glory (to include braces, zits, and frizzy hair), now, apparently, it was deemed necessary to make her short, fat, and ugly. I'm sorry I must share with you the atrocities I've just witnessed, but I'm at a loss. I don't know what else to do here but spread this around. It pains me to post this link, but I have to do it...
Barbie Gets (Another) Real Makeover
Again, what the fuck? I think they're confused. See, the real Barbie (and truly, I can't even say that because I believe that to be a semi-mutilated version of her, as well) is standing next to the thing that reminds me of this dyke softball coach who somehow made it into the MBA program I was in and attempted to draw parallels from everything to sports because life is just one big fucking soccer game, apparently. She also thought she shouldn't work or do anything on Sunday as it's the Sabbath and she always feels guilty for doing so much and blah blah blah. I believe, (although I could be wrong) that on the seventh day God rested. I also believe that followers were commanded to simply remember the Sabbath day to keep it Holy or some such shit. Anyway, I remember wanting to stick my pen through my eye into my brain and swirl it around. Clearly she missed that message and now I'm off topic. What I'm trying to say, is that this assault on Barbie gives me a similar urge to blind myself.
I hope every pathetic, stupid, sad, fat, ugly, nasty, hairy bitch out there is happy. You won today. Enjoy it mother fuckers.
Barbie Gets (Another) Real Makeover
Again, what the fuck? I think they're confused. See, the real Barbie (and truly, I can't even say that because I believe that to be a semi-mutilated version of her, as well) is standing next to the thing that reminds me of this dyke softball coach who somehow made it into the MBA program I was in and attempted to draw parallels from everything to sports because life is just one big fucking soccer game, apparently. She also thought she shouldn't work or do anything on Sunday as it's the Sabbath and she always feels guilty for doing so much and blah blah blah. I believe, (although I could be wrong) that on the seventh day God rested. I also believe that followers were commanded to simply remember the Sabbath day to keep it Holy or some such shit. Anyway, I remember wanting to stick my pen through my eye into my brain and swirl it around. Clearly she missed that message and now I'm off topic. What I'm trying to say, is that this assault on Barbie gives me a similar urge to blind myself.
I hope every pathetic, stupid, sad, fat, ugly, nasty, hairy bitch out there is happy. You won today. Enjoy it mother fuckers.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
A Thousand Pardons
Please accept my sincerest apologies. I have not abandoned my blog. Rather, life has temporarily gotten in the way. Today, the tears have been wiped away and the dust has settled after the tragic loss of someone very important. My homework level has decreased to something manageable and the biggest lawn ever has been dutifully mowed. There are always a million things to do, especially now that I'm working full time, but I've resolved to carve out a few minutes on a regular basis to devote to this blog.
So, I received an offer of permanent employment (this was surprising as nothing ever works out for me and I fully expect to be fired at any moment for no reason because that's what happens, right?) once the contract with the temp agency has been fulfilled and, once again, I have a long-term plan to dig out of the black hole. Hopefully after having worked there for a year (I just crossed myself even though I'm not Catholic) I will FINALLY be able to refinance and take out a substantial sum to fix EVERY SINGLE THING in my house and put the stupid thing up for sale. After all the work and cost of making everything as perfect as it can be I won't even be able to enjoy it (assuming it sells) but after the events of the last couple of years I need that profit. It's Operation Clean Slate bitches! But, back to the job. Things are finally going well. I have flexibility, I have a boss I like (and who likes me back, which is the most important part as this is one of the few people who can ruin your life), I have a place to hide out (meaning I don't have to deal with one single member of the general public in person), I don't have to wait on anyone with much less education and a much better job than I have, I don't have to touch anyone's dirty dishes, and I will be on the receiving end of some pretty exceptional benefits which make it justifiable to spend 25% of my after-tax income on gas. All in all, this is a good situation for now. I no longer hate my life. Although it would have behooved me to spend a year or two in some office assistant program instead of wasting all these years in school for nothing, I'm able to recognize the silver linings of this situation and be grateful for the relief they provide me.
I will be in touch.
So, I received an offer of permanent employment (this was surprising as nothing ever works out for me and I fully expect to be fired at any moment for no reason because that's what happens, right?) once the contract with the temp agency has been fulfilled and, once again, I have a long-term plan to dig out of the black hole. Hopefully after having worked there for a year (I just crossed myself even though I'm not Catholic) I will FINALLY be able to refinance and take out a substantial sum to fix EVERY SINGLE THING in my house and put the stupid thing up for sale. After all the work and cost of making everything as perfect as it can be I won't even be able to enjoy it (assuming it sells) but after the events of the last couple of years I need that profit. It's Operation Clean Slate bitches! But, back to the job. Things are finally going well. I have flexibility, I have a boss I like (and who likes me back, which is the most important part as this is one of the few people who can ruin your life), I have a place to hide out (meaning I don't have to deal with one single member of the general public in person), I don't have to wait on anyone with much less education and a much better job than I have, I don't have to touch anyone's dirty dishes, and I will be on the receiving end of some pretty exceptional benefits which make it justifiable to spend 25% of my after-tax income on gas. All in all, this is a good situation for now. I no longer hate my life. Although it would have behooved me to spend a year or two in some office assistant program instead of wasting all these years in school for nothing, I'm able to recognize the silver linings of this situation and be grateful for the relief they provide me.
I will be in touch.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Hanging on by a Thread
Ok, here's what's happened since you last heard from me:
1. The staffing company who rejected me after I completed their personality index assessment called me about an available position at their client company 45 minutes away (of course I'd applied for this same position about a year ago and was rejected, so I didn't bother when I saw it posted again recently because what's the point?) They told me they wanted me to start the very next day. Um...ok?
2. Due to a breakdown of communication between employees of the staffing company that rejected me for employment I was given the incorrect pay range when they initially contacted me which resulted in some discomfort during my initial meeting with their client company. I will be paid significantly more money as a result of this miscommunication and due to the fact that their client company was in a desperate situation.
3. Here's the situation: There are two employees and an executive director. The two employees both quit and their final days were last Friday and today. This allowed me exactly five training days before being thrown into the lion's den. Also, there was to be a second temp and she was a no show. Here's the bad part: While I was fortunate that they were in a desperate situation and basically forced them to pay me something other than the poverty wages to which I've become accustomed, this is a temporary position. Although it has the potential to become permanent, I'm highly aware of the fact that they could probably hire a permanent employee more cheaply. I sure hope they don't eventually expect me to train that person...because I won't.
So, basically, I may or may not have a job, permanent or otherwise, within the next 12 weeks. The precariousness of the situation does come with certain benefits, however. It gives me a chance to earn some money while I continue looking for jobs and I don't have to feel bad if I leave after two months because it's only a temp position. Also, it gets me out of the black hole of death and into another community for the time being, which is very important because keeping track of all the trails was becoming an unmanageable task (not that certain trails don't exist in my current situation, but they're much harder to prove). So, here I am, still hanging on by a thread. And the irony in the fact that the job I might actually end up with is a job I didn't even apply for is not lost on me.
Tomorrow's my first day in the lion's den. All alone.
PS: Apparently doing semi-tacky things at an interview doesn't increase your chances of getting hired like I thought. I didn't get a second interview at the company I really, really, really want to work for although they did send me a personal email (not automated) again letting me know that they were really impressed with my qualifications and that they were going to be posting another position in that same department within the next week and they encouraged me to apply for it again. Um....why? So they can tell me again that I don't meet their qualifications and they're electing to proceed with other candidates? Fuck that. This is the third time this has happened. Why would I continue applying? I'm going to have to conclude that, apparently, I'm not qualified to work at this company because they're too busy hiring people with high school diplomas and people with degrees that are unrelated to the positions they hold. If I happen to hear that this company does one thing that makes sense (this is a long shot, trust me) then maybe I'll apply there again one day. If not, I'm sure I'll have a wonderful temp job somewhere pulling the guts out of dead turkeys.
1. The staffing company who rejected me after I completed their personality index assessment called me about an available position at their client company 45 minutes away (of course I'd applied for this same position about a year ago and was rejected, so I didn't bother when I saw it posted again recently because what's the point?) They told me they wanted me to start the very next day. Um...ok?
2. Due to a breakdown of communication between employees of the staffing company that rejected me for employment I was given the incorrect pay range when they initially contacted me which resulted in some discomfort during my initial meeting with their client company. I will be paid significantly more money as a result of this miscommunication and due to the fact that their client company was in a desperate situation.
3. Here's the situation: There are two employees and an executive director. The two employees both quit and their final days were last Friday and today. This allowed me exactly five training days before being thrown into the lion's den. Also, there was to be a second temp and she was a no show. Here's the bad part: While I was fortunate that they were in a desperate situation and basically forced them to pay me something other than the poverty wages to which I've become accustomed, this is a temporary position. Although it has the potential to become permanent, I'm highly aware of the fact that they could probably hire a permanent employee more cheaply. I sure hope they don't eventually expect me to train that person...because I won't.
So, basically, I may or may not have a job, permanent or otherwise, within the next 12 weeks. The precariousness of the situation does come with certain benefits, however. It gives me a chance to earn some money while I continue looking for jobs and I don't have to feel bad if I leave after two months because it's only a temp position. Also, it gets me out of the black hole of death and into another community for the time being, which is very important because keeping track of all the trails was becoming an unmanageable task (not that certain trails don't exist in my current situation, but they're much harder to prove). So, here I am, still hanging on by a thread. And the irony in the fact that the job I might actually end up with is a job I didn't even apply for is not lost on me.
Tomorrow's my first day in the lion's den. All alone.
PS: Apparently doing semi-tacky things at an interview doesn't increase your chances of getting hired like I thought. I didn't get a second interview at the company I really, really, really want to work for although they did send me a personal email (not automated) again letting me know that they were really impressed with my qualifications and that they were going to be posting another position in that same department within the next week and they encouraged me to apply for it again. Um....why? So they can tell me again that I don't meet their qualifications and they're electing to proceed with other candidates? Fuck that. This is the third time this has happened. Why would I continue applying? I'm going to have to conclude that, apparently, I'm not qualified to work at this company because they're too busy hiring people with high school diplomas and people with degrees that are unrelated to the positions they hold. If I happen to hear that this company does one thing that makes sense (this is a long shot, trust me) then maybe I'll apply there again one day. If not, I'm sure I'll have a wonderful temp job somewhere pulling the guts out of dead turkeys.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
The Case for Weed and Cable
Oddly, I received an invitation to interview for a position I wasn't even going to apply for at the company I really, really, really want to work for because I thought I wasn't qualified for it and it seems arbitrarily difficult from the job description. I interviewed a week ago and haven't heard anything about a second interview, so I'm sure they just interviewed me to pad out the process and make it look fair. This is a high exposure position with a substantial learning curve so I'm not going to cry myself to sleep if I don't get hired for it. I looked at the interview as an opportunity to experiment by doing some semi-tacky things I don't normally do. For example, I took my big and cheesy purple, patent bag inside with me. I also wore a semi-gaudy piece of cheap costume jewelry which promptly broke and caused me to jump and said "Oh my God!" when I saw one of the beads laying on my file folder and thought it was a bug. I'll let you know the outcome of any further research along these lines. Also interesting, there are two more requisitions open for the job I really, really, really wanted and am qualified to do, but for which I was immediately rejected. I applied for both. This means that they have three of this particular position available and I'll probably be rejected for the other two which will result in a triple-hate whammy. I also applied for an HR internship they have available which would only be for the summer but would give me some HR experience and would be a way to get my foot in the door, which is apparently made of high-strength steel. I applied for one other position there that's semi-related to my education and experience as an experiment thinking that their recruiting and hiring practices make absolutely no sense, so maybe I'd have a chance, but no dice.
Today I received hate mail (my term for rejection letters) from the company who sent me the personality index assessment to complete for the $10/hr job I've applied for three times in the last two years (see example 2 in post What does it all mean?). Apparently my credentials are not sufficient to meet their needs. What the fuck do they expect for $10/hr?
My unemployment account is empty and I received no instructions regarding applying for extended benefits as their website indicates I should have and when I log on to my account there is no option to apply for extended benefits so I'm sure for whatever stupid fucking reason I don't qualify. I was really hoping to avoid ruining my summer by working some horrible job I could have had in high school and burning yet another bridge eventually, but it looks like that's not going to happen. It's pretty sad when you can make a strong argument that doing nothing but weed and channel surfing (if you are lucky enough to be able to afford weed and cable) for several years would have yielded better results than pursuing higher education and gainful employment. This revelation, I'm afraid, is the beginning of the end for me, folks. Peace out.
Today I received hate mail (my term for rejection letters) from the company who sent me the personality index assessment to complete for the $10/hr job I've applied for three times in the last two years (see example 2 in post What does it all mean?). Apparently my credentials are not sufficient to meet their needs. What the fuck do they expect for $10/hr?
My unemployment account is empty and I received no instructions regarding applying for extended benefits as their website indicates I should have and when I log on to my account there is no option to apply for extended benefits so I'm sure for whatever stupid fucking reason I don't qualify. I was really hoping to avoid ruining my summer by working some horrible job I could have had in high school and burning yet another bridge eventually, but it looks like that's not going to happen. It's pretty sad when you can make a strong argument that doing nothing but weed and channel surfing (if you are lucky enough to be able to afford weed and cable) for several years would have yielded better results than pursuing higher education and gainful employment. This revelation, I'm afraid, is the beginning of the end for me, folks. Peace out.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
What does it all mean?
Pre-employment testing has become one of the fastest-growing tools used
to select employees from pools of hopeful applicants and a variety of
testing tools are at the disposal of Human Resource managers and hiring
managers. There are some obvious problems with this particular strategy that jump to mind right away, such as "test faking". Also, how can these tests account for factors such as gender differences? If companies cannot control for these variables don't they run the risk of legal action due to discriminatory practices? A lot of emphasis is placed on the Big Five measures of personality traits (conscientiousness, emotional stability, extroversion, agreeableness, and openness). While these are certainly important considerations, they don't account for proactive measures (the degree to which people take action) of an individual's personality, which makes their validity somewhat trivial depending on the position. With regard to "test faking", few applicants are going to describe themselves as disagreeable, obstinate, self-preserving or self-centered. The perverse outcome of "test faking" is that the applicants that enhanced (faked) their responses the most are the most likely to be hired. The best part is that it's all based on some arbitrary test or set of guidelines in the first place!
Here's the question I have: What is it that employers are really trying to measure? Clearly, they're not interested in any quantifiable skills or they wouldn't be administering personality tests in the first place. Here are two personal experiences:
1. Out of desperation, I took a very time consuming assessment for a position that would require me to obtain a license to become a certified financial planner and I would be paid 100% commission on a draw (and self-employed, of course - no bennies!). Not a good set of circumstances, I know. Anyway, of course the integrity of the test was compromised because my mother and boyfriend were offering their assistance. The three of us are intelligent people with strong analytical skills and, together, we could not pass the personality portion of the assessment because we reasoned it was better to indicate a preference for working with others. Why would anyone suggest that they have a problem working with people? Especially when applying for a position that involves constant human interaction? The company reasoned that I was dependent on others for direction and that it could interfere with my ability to work independently. The truth? For the most part, I fucking hate working with other people. Especially men (this would have been an office with two men), but why would I ever admit that on a test? Ridiculous.
2. I've applied for the same low-wage position with the same company for the third time in the last year and a half and, finally, I must be in the running because they e-mailed a personality index assessment for me to complete. The only reason I'm willing to do this for a $10/hr job is because it is HR related and will provide me with some connections if I'm selected. There are two parts to this assessment. In the first section, I am to select from a list of adjectives how I feel I'm expected to act by others. In the second section, I am to select from the same list of adjectives those that I feel really describe me. From what I can reason, the only thing this test is going to tell them is if I act in accordance to how I feel people expect me to act. Of course, I didn't select anything that I felt would shed me in a negative light (I'm not going to tell them that I'm frequently angry, depressed, worried, and cynical), so we're right back to test faking. They might as well use the same methods as the company responsible for my major disappointment (see Major Disappointment Confirmed). I mean, what is their formula? My best guess is that they take the quadratic formula for brownies and divide it by the square root of gummy bears and that's how they decide who they're going to hire. So, what does it all mean?
Here's the question I have: What is it that employers are really trying to measure? Clearly, they're not interested in any quantifiable skills or they wouldn't be administering personality tests in the first place. Here are two personal experiences:
1. Out of desperation, I took a very time consuming assessment for a position that would require me to obtain a license to become a certified financial planner and I would be paid 100% commission on a draw (and self-employed, of course - no bennies!). Not a good set of circumstances, I know. Anyway, of course the integrity of the test was compromised because my mother and boyfriend were offering their assistance. The three of us are intelligent people with strong analytical skills and, together, we could not pass the personality portion of the assessment because we reasoned it was better to indicate a preference for working with others. Why would anyone suggest that they have a problem working with people? Especially when applying for a position that involves constant human interaction? The company reasoned that I was dependent on others for direction and that it could interfere with my ability to work independently. The truth? For the most part, I fucking hate working with other people. Especially men (this would have been an office with two men), but why would I ever admit that on a test? Ridiculous.
2. I've applied for the same low-wage position with the same company for the third time in the last year and a half and, finally, I must be in the running because they e-mailed a personality index assessment for me to complete. The only reason I'm willing to do this for a $10/hr job is because it is HR related and will provide me with some connections if I'm selected. There are two parts to this assessment. In the first section, I am to select from a list of adjectives how I feel I'm expected to act by others. In the second section, I am to select from the same list of adjectives those that I feel really describe me. From what I can reason, the only thing this test is going to tell them is if I act in accordance to how I feel people expect me to act. Of course, I didn't select anything that I felt would shed me in a negative light (I'm not going to tell them that I'm frequently angry, depressed, worried, and cynical), so we're right back to test faking. They might as well use the same methods as the company responsible for my major disappointment (see Major Disappointment Confirmed). I mean, what is their formula? My best guess is that they take the quadratic formula for brownies and divide it by the square root of gummy bears and that's how they decide who they're going to hire. So, what does it all mean?
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Major Disappointment Confirmed
Today I received the rejection email for the job I really, really, really wanted. I applied for this job just a couple of days ago. They decided in a hurry they don't want me for that job. It's Saturday. Someone must have made a special trip to the office today just for me. Cue fine china crashing on porcelain tile. The worst part is that I immediately and obsessively started googling stuff about the company and the people who work in their HR department and what I found sparked an outburst that resulted in damage to private property (my own). Basically, every recruiter in the company has a background completely unrelated to HR and possesses degrees ranging from mathematics to paralegal studies to psychology to veterinary technician. Wow. So these are the people they're relying on to staff their organization. It makes sense, then, why art majors are getting accounting jobs. My God. Apparently a four year degree in finance will award you the title of Senior Recruiter and four direct reports, at least if your name is Doily Mammoth/Fart'n'toot. And the best part is that Doily Mammoth/Fart'n'toot is a fucking idiot. More specifically, she capitalizes improper nouns. For example; "I'm very upset that I wasn't considered for this Job. If I wasn't so fucking hungover already and if the Liquor Store was still open I'd invest in some Liquid Therapy. Instead, I'm going to have a Meltdown and start throwing things and put a huge dent in my Closet Door. Not only do I not have a Job, but now I have a fucked up door that I'll never be able to replace to match the rest of the fucking trim and the other Doors in the room because my stupid fucking House is so dated." I feel that this is unacceptable. Wouldn't any company be embarrassed to be represented by people who do not have the capability to communicate beyond an eighth grade level? What the fuck is the world coming to? Well I guess it all goes back to the benefits of being functionally stupid. Maybe I should get a degree in vocal performance and litter my resume with typographical errors and then I'll be able to get a fucking job. I mean, what the fuck?
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Preparing for a Major Disappointment
Today I applied for a job I really, really, really want, (it's in the HR department) at a company I really, really, really want to work for (mostly because I have no other options, although there are advancement opportunities). I've been through a few tedious interview processes for other positions I've applied for with this company and managed to convince myself it was a sure thing only to be crushed when I lost the opportunities to the Dullest Bulb in the Tanning Bed and to a baby boomer who's going to retire in two years. Of course, I don't even know if I'll get an interview but I suspect I will because I peppered my resume and cover letter with words from the job description in order to manipulate their word-matching software. Alas, information systems trickery can only go so far. And what happens when I don't receive an offer after several more rounds of gut wrenching and nervous system twisting interviews? Aside from the quantifiable losses (see Revelations for Today), can my very fragile psyche endure yet another rejection of this magnitude? I'm afraid it would shatter me like fine china on porcelain tile. This disappointment would come at an especially bad time considering I recently contacted a previous co-worker turned manager regarding an open position for the exact job I once performed and was told that upper management would tell me to take my kite and fly it. I think asking for your old job (the one you hated so badly that you kept an empty laundry basket under your desk in case you felt compelled to clear it of your belongings before you stomped out the door in a fit of rage) only to be told to piss off is the step that happens right before you're the next burger flipper of the month at McDonald's because you were also rejected for the job I applied for today in favor of some other moron. Anyway, I'm going to have to figure out how to deal with one more missed opportunity if I don't get this job. And this is why I never let my hopes run away with me anymore; the subsequent crash hurts a lot less.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Revelations for Today
I have to share this with you guys, because Oh...My...God.
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/the-benefits-of-being-stupid-at-work-190339721.html
Now that we all understand the utility value of being functional idiots, we can press on.
It looks like I won't have to worry about commuting for two hours to work every day because I didn't hear back regarding the job I interviewed for last Wednesday within the time-frame they specified. In other depressing news, my unemployment account is going to run dry next week so I'm going to have to apply for extended benefits (thank you Mr. President).
Here's something else: I've kept accurate records of my employment search and I figure it's cost me about $10,000 in lost time. The hours wasted searching, applying, interviewing. Not to mention the money wasted on gas to get to interviews, printer paper, bond paper, ink, clasp envelopes, thank you cards, postage, UGH! Oh, and let's not forget the numerous hours spent studying for an insurance licensing exam and the nearly $1,000 it cost to take the courses, practice tests, pay the licensing fee and then driving to a town two hours away to take the test. And all for a 100% commission job it essentially cost me money to do. It should not be this hard. Being unemployed is fucking expensive. Anyway, I read somewhere that a person should expect to spend an additional month searching for employment for every additional $10,000 they expect to earn. By that standard, I should assume the $300,000/yr job offers will pour in at any moment. Meanwhile, I'm going to continue down the path of maximum resistance as I wait out the winter weather advisory on this late April day.
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/the-benefits-of-being-stupid-at-work-190339721.html
Now that we all understand the utility value of being functional idiots, we can press on.
It looks like I won't have to worry about commuting for two hours to work every day because I didn't hear back regarding the job I interviewed for last Wednesday within the time-frame they specified. In other depressing news, my unemployment account is going to run dry next week so I'm going to have to apply for extended benefits (thank you Mr. President).
Here's something else: I've kept accurate records of my employment search and I figure it's cost me about $10,000 in lost time. The hours wasted searching, applying, interviewing. Not to mention the money wasted on gas to get to interviews, printer paper, bond paper, ink, clasp envelopes, thank you cards, postage, UGH! Oh, and let's not forget the numerous hours spent studying for an insurance licensing exam and the nearly $1,000 it cost to take the courses, practice tests, pay the licensing fee and then driving to a town two hours away to take the test. And all for a 100% commission job it essentially cost me money to do. It should not be this hard. Being unemployed is fucking expensive. Anyway, I read somewhere that a person should expect to spend an additional month searching for employment for every additional $10,000 they expect to earn. By that standard, I should assume the $300,000/yr job offers will pour in at any moment. Meanwhile, I'm going to continue down the path of maximum resistance as I wait out the winter weather advisory on this late April day.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
My Terrifying Reality Confirmed
Check this out:
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/terrifying-reality-long-term-unemployment-154818305.html
Basically, every horrible trend and every sad prediction I make with regard to employment turns out to be true. It's hard to be right all the time. I pretty much always know what's going to happen next, and it's never good. And don't get me started on all the power of positive thinking bullshit. I'll start thinking positive when something positive starts happening. To recap:
"It doesn't matter whether you're young or old, a blue-collar or white-collar worker, or a high school or college grad; all that matters is how long you've been out of work. After you've been out of work for six months, it doesn't matter what experience you have. Quite literally. In other words, the first thing employers look at is how long you've been out of work, and that's the only thing they look at if it's been six months or longer."
Fucking Beveridge Curve. One more thing to keep me awake at night.
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/terrifying-reality-long-term-unemployment-154818305.html
Basically, every horrible trend and every sad prediction I make with regard to employment turns out to be true. It's hard to be right all the time. I pretty much always know what's going to happen next, and it's never good. And don't get me started on all the power of positive thinking bullshit. I'll start thinking positive when something positive starts happening. To recap:
"It doesn't matter whether you're young or old, a blue-collar or white-collar worker, or a high school or college grad; all that matters is how long you've been out of work. After you've been out of work for six months, it doesn't matter what experience you have. Quite literally. In other words, the first thing employers look at is how long you've been out of work, and that's the only thing they look at if it's been six months or longer."
Fucking Beveridge Curve. One more thing to keep me awake at night.
Monday, April 15, 2013
A Week in the Life
Since my last post the following things have happened:
*We have endured the worst April winter storm that I can remember. It's fucking freezing outside, we got more snow than we had all winter, and the wind is blowing 200 miles an hour. I feel like I'm going to have a fucking heart attack when I think about the prospect of living in this climate for the rest of my life.
*I graciously cancelled the interview at the church that was to take place tomorrow, while audibly cursing the existence of the Dimmest Wit Ever.
*I applied for a very good job (one that actually requires a master's degree) two hours away that I'll never get. But, if I do, I'll be forced to coerce my sister into letting me and my two dogs borrow the upper level of her home from Monday - Friday for the foreseeable future.
*I exposed myself to some pop culture and watched Scarface for the first time. I have never been able to figure out why drug dealers don't get out while they're on top!
*I turned 29. It fucking happened. Predictable as a pineapple in a Mai Tai. The good news is that I got a free monster cookie ice cream cone at the casino. Also, my dog that puked in my slipper (see Thankful for Eight Months until Thanksgiving) puked all over the floor of my bedroom, but since it was my birthday I made my long-term boyfriend (LTB) clean it up. If this puking continues, someone's going to have to go to the vet. Did you know they now make Birthday Cake Oreos with confetti filling?
*My mother told me to apply for several ridiculous part-time jobs in far away towns. I don't think driving 45 minutes away on $4/gallon gas to work with developmentally delayed adults for $8.25/hr or to tend to the needs of convicted, hepatitis C infected felons is the solution to anyone's problems. Once again, I was forced to launch an explanation of the objectives of my job search in some detail.
*I was invited to interview for a job that's actually HR related this Wednesday. Unfortunately, it's an hour drive each way so it will have to pay well enough to make the commute affordable and bearable. The position requires a high school diploma so I'm not going to hold my breath, but I will let you know how it goes.
*One of my group members for a class I'm taking this semester has failed to complete her portion of the final project as she had a "doozy of a week" and was "sick all weekend". I cannot begin my portion until she finishes hers. I think I'm just going to do it all myself since I'd have to redo what she did anyway because she cannot think critically, logically, or strategically, and she cannot articulate a thought or form a complete sentence. Stupid bitch.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have papers to work on and Oreos to eat.
*We have endured the worst April winter storm that I can remember. It's fucking freezing outside, we got more snow than we had all winter, and the wind is blowing 200 miles an hour. I feel like I'm going to have a fucking heart attack when I think about the prospect of living in this climate for the rest of my life.
*I graciously cancelled the interview at the church that was to take place tomorrow, while audibly cursing the existence of the Dimmest Wit Ever.
*I applied for a very good job (one that actually requires a master's degree) two hours away that I'll never get. But, if I do, I'll be forced to coerce my sister into letting me and my two dogs borrow the upper level of her home from Monday - Friday for the foreseeable future.
*I exposed myself to some pop culture and watched Scarface for the first time. I have never been able to figure out why drug dealers don't get out while they're on top!
*I turned 29. It fucking happened. Predictable as a pineapple in a Mai Tai. The good news is that I got a free monster cookie ice cream cone at the casino. Also, my dog that puked in my slipper (see Thankful for Eight Months until Thanksgiving) puked all over the floor of my bedroom, but since it was my birthday I made my long-term boyfriend (LTB) clean it up. If this puking continues, someone's going to have to go to the vet. Did you know they now make Birthday Cake Oreos with confetti filling?
*My mother told me to apply for several ridiculous part-time jobs in far away towns. I don't think driving 45 minutes away on $4/gallon gas to work with developmentally delayed adults for $8.25/hr or to tend to the needs of convicted, hepatitis C infected felons is the solution to anyone's problems. Once again, I was forced to launch an explanation of the objectives of my job search in some detail.
*I was invited to interview for a job that's actually HR related this Wednesday. Unfortunately, it's an hour drive each way so it will have to pay well enough to make the commute affordable and bearable. The position requires a high school diploma so I'm not going to hold my breath, but I will let you know how it goes.
*One of my group members for a class I'm taking this semester has failed to complete her portion of the final project as she had a "doozy of a week" and was "sick all weekend". I cannot begin my portion until she finishes hers. I think I'm just going to do it all myself since I'd have to redo what she did anyway because she cannot think critically, logically, or strategically, and she cannot articulate a thought or form a complete sentence. Stupid bitch.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have papers to work on and Oreos to eat.
Monday, April 8, 2013
My Daily Epitome
I'm back. Sorry, took me a while to recover from the Barbie attack last week and I've had a lot of homework. I'm sure I was missed.
My high school English teacher was recently recognized for her contribution to the school system and surrounding community. She once called my entire class the epitome of stupidity. I had a pretty good idea what she meant at the time but, for your benefit, the definition of epitome is a typical or ideal example. Even though she thought we were the ideal example of stupidity, she wasn't a bad teacher.. I imagine teaching 9th grade English she was, in fact, confronted by the epitome of stupidity on a fairly regular basis.
Anyway, I was invited to interview for the position I applied for at the church I referenced in my Lord Have Mercy post. I had a really bad feeling. The same really bad feeling I've had in the past when I've gotten an interview and then an offer and then things went terribly wrong. Not only are two of the four members of the "executive committee" I'd have to interview with employees at a company where I once worked, one of them is tight with a manager who metaphorically bent me over and fucked me in the ass. Repeatedly. The other bad news is that the congregation is full of members who work all over the land of no opportunity so if it didn't work out for any reason it would further stunt my already virtually non-existent opportunities. So, I diligently combed the church's website, searching for names with which I would ultimately form the dreaded trail. While they don't offer a membership directory online, I needn't dig that far to determine that getting hired would likely lead to some very uncomfortable situations. It was right there in their monthly news letter. The name of the daughter of the Dimmest Wit Ever. Crap. Long story short, DWE is a stupid cunt who has caused a lot of problems for me for reasons that make absolutely no sense and all over a job that paid less than minimum wage, involved tips and serving food and beverages to people equally as dim as she is. So, I can pretty much forget the whole thing. I'm going to have to tell the church another opportunity came up and cancel the interview. Oh well. I would have left the second something better came along (ha! like that would ever happen). Regardless of the threat posed by the DWE, it could have ended badly for numerous other reasons. The silver lining is that I played offense and prevented yet another catastrophe from hammering one more nail in my can't-get-a-job coffin, which is exactly what would have happened. I know this because of the above-mentioned really bad feeling. So, this is the epitome of what I'm confronted with on a daily basis. Applying for jobs I don't have a prayer of getting because I don't know the right people who have the right connections in the land of no opportunity and then manically deciphering the trail that will ultimately lead to my demise should I, by some act of God, actually get an interview and get hired. Lord hear our prayer.
My high school English teacher was recently recognized for her contribution to the school system and surrounding community. She once called my entire class the epitome of stupidity. I had a pretty good idea what she meant at the time but, for your benefit, the definition of epitome is a typical or ideal example. Even though she thought we were the ideal example of stupidity, she wasn't a bad teacher.. I imagine teaching 9th grade English she was, in fact, confronted by the epitome of stupidity on a fairly regular basis.
Anyway, I was invited to interview for the position I applied for at the church I referenced in my Lord Have Mercy post. I had a really bad feeling. The same really bad feeling I've had in the past when I've gotten an interview and then an offer and then things went terribly wrong. Not only are two of the four members of the "executive committee" I'd have to interview with employees at a company where I once worked, one of them is tight with a manager who metaphorically bent me over and fucked me in the ass. Repeatedly. The other bad news is that the congregation is full of members who work all over the land of no opportunity so if it didn't work out for any reason it would further stunt my already virtually non-existent opportunities. So, I diligently combed the church's website, searching for names with which I would ultimately form the dreaded trail. While they don't offer a membership directory online, I needn't dig that far to determine that getting hired would likely lead to some very uncomfortable situations. It was right there in their monthly news letter. The name of the daughter of the Dimmest Wit Ever. Crap. Long story short, DWE is a stupid cunt who has caused a lot of problems for me for reasons that make absolutely no sense and all over a job that paid less than minimum wage, involved tips and serving food and beverages to people equally as dim as she is. So, I can pretty much forget the whole thing. I'm going to have to tell the church another opportunity came up and cancel the interview. Oh well. I would have left the second something better came along (ha! like that would ever happen). Regardless of the threat posed by the DWE, it could have ended badly for numerous other reasons. The silver lining is that I played offense and prevented yet another catastrophe from hammering one more nail in my can't-get-a-job coffin, which is exactly what would have happened. I know this because of the above-mentioned really bad feeling. So, this is the epitome of what I'm confronted with on a daily basis. Applying for jobs I don't have a prayer of getting because I don't know the right people who have the right connections in the land of no opportunity and then manically deciphering the trail that will ultimately lead to my demise should I, by some act of God, actually get an interview and get hired. Lord hear our prayer.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Can Barbie Ever Win?
Today I would like to veer off topic and focus on something that is completely unrelated to unemployment. Barbie. Check out this link:
http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/meet-the-new-natural-barbie-173422198.html
What is with people? They complain that Barbie is too this and too that and whateverthefuck else. I have news for all you haters: BARBIE IS A DOLL!!! A fucking plastic toy. So back off. Now, they make her "normal" with braces and acne and no makeup and people call her crack Barbie and they tell Ken to run screaming for the hills. Make up your minds! I know how she feels. I've always felt unfairly judged for reasons I won't even pretend to understand. Personally, I loved my Barbie dolls growing up and it's a sad walk down the toy isle at the store today because I barely recognize my childhood friend. So what if her proportions were more ridiculous than Giselle's and so what if she represents everything that's unattainable? Isn't that the point? I'm never going to be a mythical pony or a Care Bear either, but that didn't stop me from playing with those things as a kid nor did it contribute to any sort of mental problems on account of not being able to grow a horn out of my forehead or project a rainbow from my chest. If you want to blame her for your daughter's eating disorder and the fact that she's a certifiable fruit basket, that's your problem. No one's forcing you to buy the damn doll and nothing's going to change the fact that she exists so get the fuck over it and get a life. The only suggestion I'm going to throw out there to the good folks at Mattel is that they come up with some sort of unemployment Barbie. I'd love to hang with my fellow unemployed homegirl.
http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/meet-the-new-natural-barbie-173422198.html
What is with people? They complain that Barbie is too this and too that and whateverthefuck else. I have news for all you haters: BARBIE IS A DOLL!!! A fucking plastic toy. So back off. Now, they make her "normal" with braces and acne and no makeup and people call her crack Barbie and they tell Ken to run screaming for the hills. Make up your minds! I know how she feels. I've always felt unfairly judged for reasons I won't even pretend to understand. Personally, I loved my Barbie dolls growing up and it's a sad walk down the toy isle at the store today because I barely recognize my childhood friend. So what if her proportions were more ridiculous than Giselle's and so what if she represents everything that's unattainable? Isn't that the point? I'm never going to be a mythical pony or a Care Bear either, but that didn't stop me from playing with those things as a kid nor did it contribute to any sort of mental problems on account of not being able to grow a horn out of my forehead or project a rainbow from my chest. If you want to blame her for your daughter's eating disorder and the fact that she's a certifiable fruit basket, that's your problem. No one's forcing you to buy the damn doll and nothing's going to change the fact that she exists so get the fuck over it and get a life. The only suggestion I'm going to throw out there to the good folks at Mattel is that they come up with some sort of unemployment Barbie. I'd love to hang with my fellow unemployed homegirl.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Thankful for Eight Months until Thanksgiving
Getting together with family for holidays has always been awkward for me. It's like sitting in a room full of strangers. For whatever reason, these strangers have the comprehension skills of a gold fish and they seem to take pleasure in the fact that things are not going well for me, especially since I was stupid enough to go to college thinking it would take me somewhere and they were smart enough to obtain full-time employment with a high school diploma. My cousin is doing an internship for an agency that's affiliated with the one that terminated my employment, so I'm sure now everyone knows because no one said anything to me. Through the struggle of the past couple of years I've come to dread the inevitable 'so...where are you working now?' and/or 'how's your job going?' questions because I'm always working somewhere different (if I'm working at all) and it's never going well. It appears to have become a joke of some sort to them, punctuated by the fact that I'm still in school and living in a house I want to burn down. I don't know what they don't understand about the fact that when you own a house that's not in a condition to be sold in an awful housing market and no job to provide an income to fix it, moving probably isn't a viable option which is unfortunate because if I could move I could probably find a decent job. If they had the ability to reason then maybe they'd understand that the Biggest L pretty much bent me over and fucked me in the ass on his way out the door. Unfortunately, we're talking about people who cannot perform simple arithmetic or even understand the concept of Monopoly. I'm glad they're amused. One day I hope to be able to report that something is going well for me, but until then, happy fucking Easter.
For your enjoyment: This morning my dog wouldn't shit when I took him outside even though he clearly had a prairie dog situation happening and I even walked him around the entire yard (and it's a big ass yard). After it was clear that he was refusing to let it go, we came back inside where I discovered that he had just puked in my slipper.
For your enjoyment: This morning my dog wouldn't shit when I took him outside even though he clearly had a prairie dog situation happening and I even walked him around the entire yard (and it's a big ass yard). After it was clear that he was refusing to let it go, we came back inside where I discovered that he had just puked in my slipper.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
The Plan is Coming Together
In another piece of depressing news, economists quoted in an article I read today have confirmed what
I've long suspected: The recession left millions of college-educated
Americans working in coffee shops and retail stores. Now, new
research suggests their job prospects may not improve much when the
economy rebounds.
Underemployment—skilled workers doing jobs that don't require their level of education—has been one of the hallmarks of the slow recovery. By some measures, nearly half of employed college graduates are in jobs that don't traditionally require a college degree.
Economists have generally assumed the problem was temporary: As the economy improved, companies would need more highly educated employees. But in a paper released Monday by the National Bureau of Economic Research, a team of Canadian economists argues that the U.S. faces a longer-term problem.
They found that unlike the 1990s, when companies needed hundreds of thousands of skilled workers to develop, build and install high-tech systems—everything from corporate intranets to manufacturing robots—demand for such skills has fallen in recent years, even as young people continued to flock to programs that taught them.
There are people with master's degrees and bachelor's degrees and even people with law degrees applying to work for $10 an hour. Many are back in school pursuing advanced degrees in the hopes of getting an edge. Demand for college-level occupations—primarily managers, professionals and technical workers—peaked as a share of the workforce in about 2000, just as the dot-com bubble was about to burst, and then began to decline. The supply of such workers, meanwhile, continued to grow through the 2000s. The subsequent housing boom helped mask the problem by creating artificially high demand for workers of all kinds, but only temporarily.
The good news? I'm way ahead of the game. I've got my eye on a retail job (if they're hiring) at a store in my local mall, which is now mostly used as office space. The store's primary demographic is the baby boomer. In fact, according to the mission statement on their website, they will "provide our Baby Boomer customers with brand platforms that offer compelling product assortments, meaningful brand experiences and convenient multi-channel accessibility that reflects our respect and knowledge of both her wardrobe and lifestyle needs." I'm going to go ahead and suggest that this company is clearly not thinking strategically (long-term) and I'm going to throw out there that they reassess their mission because their entire customer base is going to be dead in about thirty years. However, this plan fits in perfectly with the whole being underemployed and unemployed again (because they'll eventually go out of business or at least close the store here in town) in the future extravaganza (see yesterday's post, ...and other harsh realities). If this doesn't work, I worked at Dairy Queen in high school so maybe they'll take me back. Now, if I could just get my hands on a few bucks to shove under my mattress. I'm going to need to start saving for all the dope I'm going to have to buy...
Underemployment—skilled workers doing jobs that don't require their level of education—has been one of the hallmarks of the slow recovery. By some measures, nearly half of employed college graduates are in jobs that don't traditionally require a college degree.
Economists have generally assumed the problem was temporary: As the economy improved, companies would need more highly educated employees. But in a paper released Monday by the National Bureau of Economic Research, a team of Canadian economists argues that the U.S. faces a longer-term problem.
They found that unlike the 1990s, when companies needed hundreds of thousands of skilled workers to develop, build and install high-tech systems—everything from corporate intranets to manufacturing robots—demand for such skills has fallen in recent years, even as young people continued to flock to programs that taught them.
There are people with master's degrees and bachelor's degrees and even people with law degrees applying to work for $10 an hour. Many are back in school pursuing advanced degrees in the hopes of getting an edge. Demand for college-level occupations—primarily managers, professionals and technical workers—peaked as a share of the workforce in about 2000, just as the dot-com bubble was about to burst, and then began to decline. The supply of such workers, meanwhile, continued to grow through the 2000s. The subsequent housing boom helped mask the problem by creating artificially high demand for workers of all kinds, but only temporarily.
The good news? I'm way ahead of the game. I've got my eye on a retail job (if they're hiring) at a store in my local mall, which is now mostly used as office space. The store's primary demographic is the baby boomer. In fact, according to the mission statement on their website, they will "provide our Baby Boomer customers with brand platforms that offer compelling product assortments, meaningful brand experiences and convenient multi-channel accessibility that reflects our respect and knowledge of both her wardrobe and lifestyle needs." I'm going to go ahead and suggest that this company is clearly not thinking strategically (long-term) and I'm going to throw out there that they reassess their mission because their entire customer base is going to be dead in about thirty years. However, this plan fits in perfectly with the whole being underemployed and unemployed again (because they'll eventually go out of business or at least close the store here in town) in the future extravaganza (see yesterday's post, ...and other harsh realities). If this doesn't work, I worked at Dairy Queen in high school so maybe they'll take me back. Now, if I could just get my hands on a few bucks to shove under my mattress. I'm going to need to start saving for all the dope I'm going to have to buy...
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
...and other harsh realities
Today I found an article on
onlinecolleges.net that pretty much hits the nail on the head and I
would like to discuss some of the sobering health, career, and social
implications of being a member of the long-term unemployed. Many of
these unfortunate side effects could last a decade or more.
- Many people focus on lost wages during periods of unemployment but fail to recognize the major career setback that may take years to overcome. This may be due to being forced to accept lower salaries when rejoining the workforce or taking jobs for which you are overqualified. For those who graduate college and find themselves victims of a bad job market, the stage will likely be set for a lifetime of lost earnings to the tune of $100,000 or more which doesn't even include the months of unemployment and/or underemployment they will face.
- Study after study has proven that, while everyone deals with crises differently, lack of health insurance and preventive care, stress, and depression associated with unemployment take a huge toll on the overall health of just about everyone, decreasing life expectancy, especially in those who face unemployment at a younger age. Other issues include developing high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, and even gastrointestinal issues.
- Those who face long-term unemployment in their younger years, especially in their 20s, are at a much higher risk of developing substance abuse problems and depression by middle age. While some of these effects may be alleviated by finding a new job, their risk factors for developing mental health issues remains much higher than that of their peers who didn't face unemployment.
- Because unemployment will likely lead to greater risk adversity when it comes to money, it is likely that this group, according to financial experts, will suffer serious long-term consequences which may make it difficult to retire. Let's forget for a moment the broken Social Security system and the fact that being unemployed makes it nearly impossible to save anything (unfortunately, a dollar now is worth a lot more than a dollar ten years from now), but a likely side effect of long-term unemployment is becoming so conservative with your money that you are not willing to take investment risks.
- Long-term unemployment seems to create a stigma that follows an individual through decades of their career. Not only will they likely accept less pay when they do find work, but they're also more likely than their co-workers to face future unemployment and for longer periods than those who haven't previously lost work.
- An interesting side effect of long-term unemployment is a failing confidence in democracy, changing how you feel about civic society and basic democratic institutions.
- A staggering number of unemployed people report that they've lost friendships and that family relations have become stressed.
- This one is obvious. Long-term unemployment is linked to a loss of self-respect, self-esteem, and self-worth, depression, and a general negative mood.
- Feelings of helplessness and loss of control can last long after new employment is found. Young people who live through downturns are much more likely to doubt that they have control over their careers, viewing career success as luck rather than a result of personal action. Many believe that this will have a considerable impact on their ability to achieve long-term career goals.To recap: I can expect to earn much less throughout my career because of this major setback. I'm going to slip into a diabetic coma and die at least 1.5 years sooner than my unaffected peers. I'm going to develop substance abuse problems and lose my shit. I'm going to stuff my money under my mattress. I'm going to face unemployment again in the future. My already fragile confidence in democracy is going to crumble altogether. I'm going to lose the few friends I have (things on the home front have definitely been strained from time to time). While I once thought I was the bomb diggity, I can tell you that is no longer the case. Most of the time I hate other people, but sometimes I hate myself. Finally, I feel helpless. I feel I have no control and I feel that achieving career success is a matter of luck because it has been proven to me over and over again that personal action accomplishes nothing. So there you have it.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Banging My Head Against The Wall
I'm miffed. My mother, bless her heart, tries to be helpful by sending me information about jobs she thinks I should apply for but, more often than not, it just fuels my general state of aggravation. She's suggested some pretty ridiculous shit, such as getting my CNA so I can wipe 90 year old ass for $9 an hour or applying for a position overseeing youth programs because I went to summer camp as a child or enrolling in a six month medical transcription program as if that would somehow guarantee a job or applying for a job in which I'd be required to live on the grounds year-round(can I bring my boyfriend and two dogs, and, oh yeah, what about my house?), but the suggestion I received today takes the fucking cake. As fate would have it (and I know this is how fate would have it because fate likes to piss in my face), an assistant position in the HR area was just posted at the agency from which my employment was recently terminated. She's suggesting I apply for this position. Not only that, but also that I should use an employee from the office I used to work in as a reference, as if that bitch would do me any favors. Further, one of the job duties of the position involves recording board minutes and assembling board packets for the very board on which the very person who dismissed me from employment serves! To make matters worse, I graduated from the same master's program as the HR Director, which I could tell she didn't like when I interviewed with her for the job in which I was hired for and fired from in a matter of 90 days. What a shame. This would be a good opportunity if only I'd never been hired there in the first place. The cherry on top is that this is the second HR position I haven't been able to apply for in the last week on account of this whole fiasco. There is an opening for a Human Resources Assistant at the very organization where the wife of the dick head who fired me is a manager. From the land of no opportunity, the Labor Statistic is signing off for today because she has to go find a big ass towel to wipe all the piss off her face.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
The World I Know
I seem to be an unwilling participant of some sort of cruel phenomenon in which I'm forced to live in poverty and then denied assistance from the very resources that can't give it away fast enough to those who do nothing but abuse it. Yes, I have applied for public assistance and was denied for the following reasons:
1. I am childless and, therefore, shit out of luck. Apparently the more children you have, the less you have to worry about how you're going to support them because the government will take care of it for you. They will make sure you have financial assistance, food assistance, child care assistance, and a roof over your head.
2. I had a part-time job, which disqualified me from receiving income assistance, despite the fact that I've spent exactly one year of my life earning anything more than poverty wages. Who knew that making zero effort while looking for a full-time job would be the more lucrative option?
So that didn't work out for me.
I applied for a home rehab loan (and trust me, if anyone needs this service it's me) from a community non-profit (yes, I was overlooked in favor of a baby boomer who will retire in two years for a job I really really wanted there, and I know this because the organization which provided me with the above-mentioned, assistance-blocking part-time employment hosted a networking function for them) that claims to help people while changing lives through their anti-poverty initiatives. To be fair, my home was built in 1970 and their cutoff is 1976, but I wasn't even given the courtesy of a fuck you letter. Nothing. Zero Communication. The final straw, and what compelled me to focus on this topic for this particular post, is that they've posted an opening for a Self Sufficiency Case Manager. Applicants must have sensitivity toward economic and cultural issues facing people in poverty. They will provide assistance to those in financial crisis or who are unable to meet their basic needs. They will work together to form goals and develop plans to meet long-term stability and they will direct clients to services within the community. I'd be curious to know what help they could offer me. Oh yeah, I forgot. Not a fucking bit of it. And most certainly not a job. I feel the very same way about the "re-employment session" I was forced to attend at my local government center. I did not receive one useful piece of information or assistance.
So, therein lies the burning question. What assistance is out there for those of us who are educated, childless, motivated, competent, and incredibly unlucky? None, I've concluded. If you want long-term stability you'd better get on the GED/baby-making wagon, and fast.
1. I am childless and, therefore, shit out of luck. Apparently the more children you have, the less you have to worry about how you're going to support them because the government will take care of it for you. They will make sure you have financial assistance, food assistance, child care assistance, and a roof over your head.
2. I had a part-time job, which disqualified me from receiving income assistance, despite the fact that I've spent exactly one year of my life earning anything more than poverty wages. Who knew that making zero effort while looking for a full-time job would be the more lucrative option?
So that didn't work out for me.
I applied for a home rehab loan (and trust me, if anyone needs this service it's me) from a community non-profit (yes, I was overlooked in favor of a baby boomer who will retire in two years for a job I really really wanted there, and I know this because the organization which provided me with the above-mentioned, assistance-blocking part-time employment hosted a networking function for them) that claims to help people while changing lives through their anti-poverty initiatives. To be fair, my home was built in 1970 and their cutoff is 1976, but I wasn't even given the courtesy of a fuck you letter. Nothing. Zero Communication. The final straw, and what compelled me to focus on this topic for this particular post, is that they've posted an opening for a Self Sufficiency Case Manager. Applicants must have sensitivity toward economic and cultural issues facing people in poverty. They will provide assistance to those in financial crisis or who are unable to meet their basic needs. They will work together to form goals and develop plans to meet long-term stability and they will direct clients to services within the community. I'd be curious to know what help they could offer me. Oh yeah, I forgot. Not a fucking bit of it. And most certainly not a job. I feel the very same way about the "re-employment session" I was forced to attend at my local government center. I did not receive one useful piece of information or assistance.
So, therein lies the burning question. What assistance is out there for those of us who are educated, childless, motivated, competent, and incredibly unlucky? None, I've concluded. If you want long-term stability you'd better get on the GED/baby-making wagon, and fast.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
A Different Kind of Statistic
Today my activities consisted of applying for a position for which I'm majorly overqualified at a company for which I used to work, applying for a job that's 45 miles away that I'll never get hired for, and attending a meeting with a temporary staffing agency for the position I mentioned in my "Applying in Circles" entry. It turns out the position is truly temporary, not indefinitely temporary (that's an oxymoron if I've ever heard one). The duration is 6-8 weeks because the dullest bulb in the tanning bed is knocked up. What the fuck? By my estimation, she raced home to bang her husband the second her health insurance coverage became effective. She's already cost the company a great deal more money that I would have. Unfortunately, I really don't see the benefit in pursuing this further. As luck would have it, the afternoon wasn't a total waste. I found out my typing skills are above average. Woohoo.
This brings up another topic I was going to save for a rainy day to address. A lot of people in my generation are putting off starting a family, due to economic concerns, until they get all of their ducks in a row. At the rate I'm going, I'll be fucking infertile by the time that happens (if it even happens at all). I don't know if I really want kids or not but, I'm in my late twenties (okay...a stone's throw away from 30...OH.MY.GOD) and I can literally feel my eggs drying up one by one. What's a girl to do? Refuse to entertain the possibility of children until things stabilize (I think children at least deserve a finished house, for God's sake)? Or, throw caution to the wind and join the ranks of (mostly uneducated) mothers who expect the welfare system to step up and provide the support their children need. Hey, I'm a tax paying citizen (when I'm lucky enough to have a job), too, and I'm just considering all the options. And that's what it's come down to for me. If I'd gotten knocked up in high school (a whole different kind of statistic!) and if I just smoked weed all day long instead of looking for jobs I'd be no worse off than I am now. I'll leave you to ponder that thought.
This brings up another topic I was going to save for a rainy day to address. A lot of people in my generation are putting off starting a family, due to economic concerns, until they get all of their ducks in a row. At the rate I'm going, I'll be fucking infertile by the time that happens (if it even happens at all). I don't know if I really want kids or not but, I'm in my late twenties (okay...a stone's throw away from 30...OH.MY.GOD) and I can literally feel my eggs drying up one by one. What's a girl to do? Refuse to entertain the possibility of children until things stabilize (I think children at least deserve a finished house, for God's sake)? Or, throw caution to the wind and join the ranks of (mostly uneducated) mothers who expect the welfare system to step up and provide the support their children need. Hey, I'm a tax paying citizen (when I'm lucky enough to have a job), too, and I'm just considering all the options. And that's what it's come down to for me. If I'd gotten knocked up in high school (a whole different kind of statistic!) and if I just smoked weed all day long instead of looking for jobs I'd be no worse off than I am now. I'll leave you to ponder that thought.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Words of Wisdom
I desperately wish I'd gone to school to do hair. How sad. Not that it would guarantee clients and not that there isn't a surplus of cosmetologists in my small community, but at least I would have something to fall back on. Hindsight is 20/20. While there are a million things I'd do differently if I could turn the clock back ten years, I'm going to take this opportunity today to bestow upon you some practical advice if you want job security for the next 20-30 years.
1. Go to school to be a nurse. Specifically, get your LPN and get a job (hopefully it includes a sign on bonus). Let your employer pay for your RN. Let your employer pay for your P.A. or Nurse Practitioner education. The median salary for the average female Physician's Assistant is a mere $5,000 less than the median salary for the average female physician. Not too shabby. Even if you stop at your RN you'll still make around $30 an hour. Not to shabby, either. Shit, even LPNs make $15-$19 per hour. I'd take that in a heartbeat.
2. On this same train of thought, go to school to be a pharmacist. Just like hospitals are going to be bombarded by baby boomers, so are pharmacies. This path is slightly more expensive, but this career is the highest paying, on average, for women in this country.
3. If you have the means to finance it and are positioned desirably in terms of geography, open an assisted living facility/nursing home or start a home health company, because you will have a long waiting list in the coming years.
4. Go to school to be a funeral director and then move to Florida. Seriously. For a two year investment in your education you can provide an expensive service that every single person in the country needs. EVERY SINGLE PERSON!!! Morbid? Maybe. But true.
5. Finally, there are a lot of unemployed attorneys in this country. The popular and long-standing belief is that going to law school will guarantee a job and a good income. While that's true to some extent (there's nothing preventing any law school graduate from opening a private practice, after all) the majority of entry-level and assistant attorneys make less than school teachers. So, (and I bet you've already guessed it) specialize in estate law and open your own practice. Like I said above, everyone is going to die. The smart ones pay good money to plan for it. Again, this is one of the more expensive options, but a viable one, nonetheless.
The sad demographic truth is that baby boomers are going to bleed our generation for years so it only makes sense to make a profit off of them.
Finally, if you're stupid enough to go to college, for God's sake do well in high school and apply for every scholarship you can. That shit's expensive.
1. Go to school to be a nurse. Specifically, get your LPN and get a job (hopefully it includes a sign on bonus). Let your employer pay for your RN. Let your employer pay for your P.A. or Nurse Practitioner education. The median salary for the average female Physician's Assistant is a mere $5,000 less than the median salary for the average female physician. Not too shabby. Even if you stop at your RN you'll still make around $30 an hour. Not to shabby, either. Shit, even LPNs make $15-$19 per hour. I'd take that in a heartbeat.
2. On this same train of thought, go to school to be a pharmacist. Just like hospitals are going to be bombarded by baby boomers, so are pharmacies. This path is slightly more expensive, but this career is the highest paying, on average, for women in this country.
3. If you have the means to finance it and are positioned desirably in terms of geography, open an assisted living facility/nursing home or start a home health company, because you will have a long waiting list in the coming years.
4. Go to school to be a funeral director and then move to Florida. Seriously. For a two year investment in your education you can provide an expensive service that every single person in the country needs. EVERY SINGLE PERSON!!! Morbid? Maybe. But true.
5. Finally, there are a lot of unemployed attorneys in this country. The popular and long-standing belief is that going to law school will guarantee a job and a good income. While that's true to some extent (there's nothing preventing any law school graduate from opening a private practice, after all) the majority of entry-level and assistant attorneys make less than school teachers. So, (and I bet you've already guessed it) specialize in estate law and open your own practice. Like I said above, everyone is going to die. The smart ones pay good money to plan for it. Again, this is one of the more expensive options, but a viable one, nonetheless.
The sad demographic truth is that baby boomers are going to bleed our generation for years so it only makes sense to make a profit off of them.
Finally, if you're stupid enough to go to college, for God's sake do well in high school and apply for every scholarship you can. That shit's expensive.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Isn't it Ironic?
How's this for ironic? Yesterday I attended a federally required "re-employment session" at my local government center. The same one from which my employment was terminated. In fact, the state agency providing this gracious and ridiculously unnecessary service is located right across the hall from the very office that was kind enough to hire and fire me after 90 days of employment. This experience is dehumanizing enough for the average person, but to have to endure it when you know the representative conducting your session is going to skip down the hall on her break to talk shit is enough to make a grown woman want to cut someone.
Anyhow, (and this is the most frustrating part because I'm confronted by it on a daily basis) as you may have guessed, I'm already doing everything I possibly can and more in pursuit of a job. In fact, I don't know one single person who has applied for more jobs than I have. I don't know one single person who has done more to make herself employable than I have. I feel like the grossly obese person who subsists on nothing but vegetables and the occasional piece of fish and exercises two hours a day only to continue gaining weight.
Searching employment websites and job banks and newspapers and every other source under the sun day in and day out and applying for every possible position I can? Check.
Keeping my resume and cover letter current and customizing it to specific positions because I know a great deal of companies use word-matching software? (I won't even mention the fact that it should be grammatically correct. If your documents are not free of spelling and grammar errors, you don't deserve a job). Check.
Utilizing quality references? Check.
The good news is that I think I made this lady more uncomfortable than she made me. I'd called her in an attempt to cancel the appointment, informing her that I'm well versed in job searching. She told me that nobody thinks they need to come to these sessions and that I had to go. Okay, lady...whatever you say. The look of shock on her face when I produced the list of jobs I've applied for in the past three years (with the positions I've applied for since I was fired highlighted in yellow, of course) was somewhat satisfying. Then, the second I informed her the only thing I can do differently is to leave my master's degree off of my resume because apparently it is not sufficient and that I've returned to school to pursue a second bachelor's degree in HR she seemed to sense that I was on the verge of a complete mental break down and the meeting was over. You see, she didn't get the satisfaction of providing me with brand new information and I hope the fact that I'm likely more qualified to do her job than she is crossed her mind. Also, unlike the clientele to which she's accustomed (trust me, if you lived around here you'd understand what I mean), I know that I'm expected to be actively searching for employment and I know how to turn on a computer. I was told to set aside 90 minutes for this meeting; it lasted 10 minutes.
I'm super cranky today. Sorry for the rant.
Anyhow, (and this is the most frustrating part because I'm confronted by it on a daily basis) as you may have guessed, I'm already doing everything I possibly can and more in pursuit of a job. In fact, I don't know one single person who has applied for more jobs than I have. I don't know one single person who has done more to make herself employable than I have. I feel like the grossly obese person who subsists on nothing but vegetables and the occasional piece of fish and exercises two hours a day only to continue gaining weight.
Searching employment websites and job banks and newspapers and every other source under the sun day in and day out and applying for every possible position I can? Check.
Keeping my resume and cover letter current and customizing it to specific positions because I know a great deal of companies use word-matching software? (I won't even mention the fact that it should be grammatically correct. If your documents are not free of spelling and grammar errors, you don't deserve a job). Check.
Utilizing quality references? Check.
The good news is that I think I made this lady more uncomfortable than she made me. I'd called her in an attempt to cancel the appointment, informing her that I'm well versed in job searching. She told me that nobody thinks they need to come to these sessions and that I had to go. Okay, lady...whatever you say. The look of shock on her face when I produced the list of jobs I've applied for in the past three years (with the positions I've applied for since I was fired highlighted in yellow, of course) was somewhat satisfying. Then, the second I informed her the only thing I can do differently is to leave my master's degree off of my resume because apparently it is not sufficient and that I've returned to school to pursue a second bachelor's degree in HR she seemed to sense that I was on the verge of a complete mental break down and the meeting was over. You see, she didn't get the satisfaction of providing me with brand new information and I hope the fact that I'm likely more qualified to do her job than she is crossed her mind. Also, unlike the clientele to which she's accustomed (trust me, if you lived around here you'd understand what I mean), I know that I'm expected to be actively searching for employment and I know how to turn on a computer. I was told to set aside 90 minutes for this meeting; it lasted 10 minutes.
I'm super cranky today. Sorry for the rant.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Lord Have Mercy
A few days ago I applied for a job that was posted with an application deadline of one month from now, and today I received a strange voice mail. They left a long and rambling message informing me that they received my application and (while laughing and speaking in a somewhat sarcastic tone) indicated that the deadline is in a month and thanked me for my application as if it's somehow funny I applied for this job and even funnier that I did it in a timely fashion. Here's a news flash for employers across America: If you post an open position, you should expect that people are going to apply for it.
The truth? This position is with a church. My mother, bless her soul, is a fruit cake and is an organist, among other things, at several churches and offers her services for weddings and funerals, as well. Also, I was confirmed at this particular church due to the fact that the pastor at the church I was forced to attend while growing up refused to confirm me because he thought I was hostile (the reality is that he's mentally ill). This same pastor was my mother's pastor at the church she attended while growing up in another town and was also forced to undergo anger management counseling on the order of his senior Bishop. His wife is a sad little toad of a woman who is strangely offended by my mother and her organ-playing abilities. Ahhh...the aforementioned trail.
I feel strange discussing my religious proclivities (or lack, thereof) on an unemployment blog, so I won't. Or maybe I'll save it for another day. Needless to say, churches are not generally places where I feel welcome. I don't know if he was laughing for any of the reasons I mention above or if the content of my resume, cover letter, and reference letters is hysterical, but I'm sure I'll never hear from him again. Amen.
The truth? This position is with a church. My mother, bless her soul, is a fruit cake and is an organist, among other things, at several churches and offers her services for weddings and funerals, as well. Also, I was confirmed at this particular church due to the fact that the pastor at the church I was forced to attend while growing up refused to confirm me because he thought I was hostile (the reality is that he's mentally ill). This same pastor was my mother's pastor at the church she attended while growing up in another town and was also forced to undergo anger management counseling on the order of his senior Bishop. His wife is a sad little toad of a woman who is strangely offended by my mother and her organ-playing abilities. Ahhh...the aforementioned trail.
I feel strange discussing my religious proclivities (or lack, thereof) on an unemployment blog, so I won't. Or maybe I'll save it for another day. Needless to say, churches are not generally places where I feel welcome. I don't know if he was laughing for any of the reasons I mention above or if the content of my resume, cover letter, and reference letters is hysterical, but I'm sure I'll never hear from him again. Amen.
Monday, March 11, 2013
The Trail
Everyone remembers the infamous episode of Friends where Ross has sex with the copy girl and, with Chandler's help, connects the dots to reveal the trail that leads back to his girlfriend, Rachel. Despite his desperate attempts at damage control, Rachel finds out about his indiscretion from Gunther and the "we were on a break!!!" saga that punctuates the show through seven more seasons is born.
Applying for jobs in a small town is a little like that. For any particular position, the Labor Statistic must consider who she knows at the company and who they know and so forth. For example, I opted not to apply for a certain position at a certain company today for the following reasons:
1. An employee there was once friends with the Biggest L. Fun Fact: This same employee was fired from a previous employer for whom my current boyfriend used to work.
2. Another employee there is the daughter of a crazy lady (I think methamphetamines may be partially to blame for that) who viciously lashed out at me for having to be the person to vacuum the restaurant we worked at when I was 19 years old and told by the owner to punch out because it was a slow night.
3. Another employee assaulted my high school friend on her own property after screwing around with her boyfriend. Naturally, I felt inclined to jump to my friend's defense. Enough said.
4. Another employee, who we'll call the dull dud, became oddly attached (I don't like the word obsessed - too creepy!) to me after we dated very casually for about a month. When I say attached I mean it in the most unhealthy way possible. (Note to sad, lonely, desperate people everywhere: Nobody likes sad, lonely, desperate people.)
Let's face it, they're going to give the job to someone referred by a current employee anyway so there's really no point in applying. As we all know, Ross and Rachel eventually work things out and it only takes seven years. I've got four years to go. There are way too many copy girls in my life and, right now, Rachel is not hiring. What am I going to say if she asks for an explanation of employment gaps? We were on a break?
Applying for jobs in a small town is a little like that. For any particular position, the Labor Statistic must consider who she knows at the company and who they know and so forth. For example, I opted not to apply for a certain position at a certain company today for the following reasons:
1. An employee there was once friends with the Biggest L. Fun Fact: This same employee was fired from a previous employer for whom my current boyfriend used to work.
2. Another employee there is the daughter of a crazy lady (I think methamphetamines may be partially to blame for that) who viciously lashed out at me for having to be the person to vacuum the restaurant we worked at when I was 19 years old and told by the owner to punch out because it was a slow night.
3. Another employee assaulted my high school friend on her own property after screwing around with her boyfriend. Naturally, I felt inclined to jump to my friend's defense. Enough said.
4. Another employee, who we'll call the dull dud, became oddly attached (I don't like the word obsessed - too creepy!) to me after we dated very casually for about a month. When I say attached I mean it in the most unhealthy way possible. (Note to sad, lonely, desperate people everywhere: Nobody likes sad, lonely, desperate people.)
Let's face it, they're going to give the job to someone referred by a current employee anyway so there's really no point in applying. As we all know, Ross and Rachel eventually work things out and it only takes seven years. I've got four years to go. There are way too many copy girls in my life and, right now, Rachel is not hiring. What am I going to say if she asks for an explanation of employment gaps? We were on a break?
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Applying in Circles
Just a short one today. I think I speak for the long-term unemployed when I express my frustrations at having to apply for the same jobs multiple times because there are so few options available. A while back, I applied for a job I really wanted at a company in which I was desperate to get my foot in the door. An insider informed me this particular company likes to hire and promote people with MBA's. I have not found this to be the case. Anyway, I went through an extremely long and tedious interview process at the end of which the position was offered to the dullest bulb in the tanning bed. I'll save my thoughts on male preferences for hiring the high school cheerleader for another post, but losing out on yet another job I really wanted to someone less educated and generally mentally deficient was a major disappointment.
This same position is now available through a staffing agency with whom I'm meeting next week. So, I predict I will go through the same extremely tedious process (only this time the best I can hope for is getting the position on a temporary basis while the dullest bulb enjoys the benefits of full-time employment) at the end of which they'll inform me I was not selected but encourage me to continue applying. And applying. And applying. And applying...and applying. So I'll let you know how it goes. Labor Statistic is signing off for today. Peace out!
This same position is now available through a staffing agency with whom I'm meeting next week. So, I predict I will go through the same extremely tedious process (only this time the best I can hope for is getting the position on a temporary basis while the dullest bulb enjoys the benefits of full-time employment) at the end of which they'll inform me I was not selected but encourage me to continue applying. And applying. And applying. And applying...and applying. So I'll let you know how it goes. Labor Statistic is signing off for today. Peace out!
Friday, March 8, 2013
The Back Story
I bet you're wondering what Labor Statistic did to end up in the clutches of the sinking black hole. The answer: Lots of things. Like most people my age, I was told that I could be whatever I wanted when I grew up and that going college was the most direct route to success and financial security. So, I labored under these delusions throughout my childhood and well into my twenties believing that the only logical progression of events included getting my degree and receiving numerous job offers (handsome salary & benefit package included!) from which I wouldn't be able to choose and so, naturally, a bidding war would ensue. As most of you have probably guessed, this is not what happened. Here's what happened:
I pissed away ten years on my loser (now ex) high school boyfriend, who we'll call the Biggest L. Pissing activities included wasting three years to follow him, on my parent's dime, to a different town to attend community college for something I'll never, ever use. Then, moving back to my hometown (the land of no opportunity) to subsequently purchase a house in 2008 (we all know why that was a bad move) that I couldn't maintain or afford on my own. The Biggest L (who was so terrible he deserves his own blog) never contributed and owed me several thousand dollars when he moved out shortly after. In the meantime, I'd gotten my bachelor's degree and had begun graduate school. I had my first real, entry level job and it made me absolutely miserable, but thought I could buy whatever I wanted, (and did) relying on credit cards to fund my lifestyle thinking that after graduate school I'd surely land a job that would allow me to pay it all back. I failed to understand that I was stuck with a house I couldn't afford to begin with that was quickly losing market value and, because of that, was stuck in the land of no opportunity indefinitely. I quit my miserable job in search of greener pastures which, incidentally, were uninhabitable and cemented my dependence on credit cards. I had no choice but to quit and have since gone through a string of jobs including (once again) waiting tables, serving drinks, low wage, 100% commission sales for products that are unsellable, etc... Now that I have my master's degree I've managed to wedge myself into the category of the over-educated and under-experienced. Not a good place to be, especially in the land of no opportunity. And the house you'd suggest I sell? Every single thing that could possibly break, broke. Everything that could flood, flooded. Unfortunately, I needed the insurance money to live because of stretches of unemployment or working low wage jobs. My house sits in a million pieces. Torn out floors. Half painted, every door needs to be replaced, cracked foundation, overgrown enormous yard, unpaved driveway, the list goes on and on and on. I have lost control of my life and I don't even know how and there's no end in sight. No fix for my continually falling credit score. No fix for my substantial credit card debt. No promise of a job in the future and, therefore, no hope of refinancing. That's the thing about mistakes. You don't just pay for them. You pay and you pay, and pay, and pay, and pay...
So, I've enrolled in school once again to obtain a second major in Human Resources. After searching for a decent job for the last three years I decided my name should appear on the bottom of the rejection letters and emails instead of at the top. Also, it's interesting! I'm excited for the mass retirement (and hopefully the opportunities it will provide to those of us who have to make up a ton of ground) that's expected over the next decade or so and plan focus on it from time to time in this blog. And I need the student loan money to live on. Low/no interest money and income based repayment plan? Yes, please! Because I'll probably never find a job.
Sorry for the length. I could go on and on. Really, I could write a book about the last decade and call it "Stranglehold". Anyway, just wanted to establish a foundation for future posts (which I promise will be shorter and funnier in the future!). Labor Statistic is signing off for the day. Peace out!
I pissed away ten years on my loser (now ex) high school boyfriend, who we'll call the Biggest L. Pissing activities included wasting three years to follow him, on my parent's dime, to a different town to attend community college for something I'll never, ever use. Then, moving back to my hometown (the land of no opportunity) to subsequently purchase a house in 2008 (we all know why that was a bad move) that I couldn't maintain or afford on my own. The Biggest L (who was so terrible he deserves his own blog) never contributed and owed me several thousand dollars when he moved out shortly after. In the meantime, I'd gotten my bachelor's degree and had begun graduate school. I had my first real, entry level job and it made me absolutely miserable, but thought I could buy whatever I wanted, (and did) relying on credit cards to fund my lifestyle thinking that after graduate school I'd surely land a job that would allow me to pay it all back. I failed to understand that I was stuck with a house I couldn't afford to begin with that was quickly losing market value and, because of that, was stuck in the land of no opportunity indefinitely. I quit my miserable job in search of greener pastures which, incidentally, were uninhabitable and cemented my dependence on credit cards. I had no choice but to quit and have since gone through a string of jobs including (once again) waiting tables, serving drinks, low wage, 100% commission sales for products that are unsellable, etc... Now that I have my master's degree I've managed to wedge myself into the category of the over-educated and under-experienced. Not a good place to be, especially in the land of no opportunity. And the house you'd suggest I sell? Every single thing that could possibly break, broke. Everything that could flood, flooded. Unfortunately, I needed the insurance money to live because of stretches of unemployment or working low wage jobs. My house sits in a million pieces. Torn out floors. Half painted, every door needs to be replaced, cracked foundation, overgrown enormous yard, unpaved driveway, the list goes on and on and on. I have lost control of my life and I don't even know how and there's no end in sight. No fix for my continually falling credit score. No fix for my substantial credit card debt. No promise of a job in the future and, therefore, no hope of refinancing. That's the thing about mistakes. You don't just pay for them. You pay and you pay, and pay, and pay, and pay...
So, I've enrolled in school once again to obtain a second major in Human Resources. After searching for a decent job for the last three years I decided my name should appear on the bottom of the rejection letters and emails instead of at the top. Also, it's interesting! I'm excited for the mass retirement (and hopefully the opportunities it will provide to those of us who have to make up a ton of ground) that's expected over the next decade or so and plan focus on it from time to time in this blog. And I need the student loan money to live on. Low/no interest money and income based repayment plan? Yes, please! Because I'll probably never find a job.
Sorry for the length. I could go on and on. Really, I could write a book about the last decade and call it "Stranglehold". Anyway, just wanted to establish a foundation for future posts (which I promise will be shorter and funnier in the future!). Labor Statistic is signing off for the day. Peace out!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Hello World!
Well here I am. Everyone tells me I should blog and I think they're right. The main focus of this blog is going to be my personal experiences searching in vain for employment with an advanced degree (M.B.A) in rural America during a time of economic uncertainty. The almighty dollar stretches about as far as the almighty denim supporting my continually expanding waistline (more on the importance of exercising during unemployment later). Anyway, after getting fired and applying for my 437th job this year I decided I needed a place to document the black hole I've been attempting to claw out of for the past three years. The black hole exists largely due to poor choices on my part (more on that later, as well) but to a greater extent because of the quicksand-like vice grip of economic collapse. For me, there is a black hole within a black hole. The events of the last ten years of my life echo a domino effect, one piling right on top of the next, to create the perfect shit storm. I will try to make my posts as humorous, albeit sarcastic, as possible and I apologize in advance if they get a bit dark but, let's face it, The Great Recession is a dark mother-fucking hole. From the perspective of a Human Resources student and a member of the "lost generation" I hope to entertain you with relevant, thought provoking content. And sometimes I'm just going to talk about whatever the hell I want. Cheers!
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